This is an edit after receiving an awesome comment from a trusted believer. I should rename this post the importance of community. We so need believers in our lives. We so need the wisdom of those that have been walking with The Lord longer than ourselves, and we need the passion of those just beginning their journey.
Earlier today I saw that people from another social media site have linked to this blog. I instantly got anxious. I feel very protected on this site, most are true believers I trust extend grace, and mercy. I have invited a few friends and family, if it is on my heart to do so, yet I still feel protected. I really have more questions about this issue than answers. I am just going to type and hope some form of organization appears.
My husband was transferred this year to Kentucky. By the time we moved The Lord had healed me to the point I have the strength to profess my faith, and talk with others about Jesus and how great He is. I am totally transparent here. My kids go to an awesome Christian School, connected to our church. Our church is filled with the Holy Spirit and rooted deeply in the Bible. We have even taken an oath to not slander, gossip, or talk negatively about each other in or out of church, nor tolerate it from anyone who may slip. This gives total freedom to worship, pray, and walk with the Lord. I am very protected and insulated here in the Bible belt.
I have spent most of my life in the Cincinnati area. Before The Lord started changing me I was a totally different person. There is very little He has not changed in me. I fear a lot about the people that knew the old me, condemning me. This has a lot to do with how I perceived Christians, and how we talked about them. I am just going to say it and put it out there. I judged them to be hypocrites. Every time I saw them sin, I believed they were just saying they were Christians to some how impress people, but their actions were ruthless. I perceived them as weak. I thought Christians needed a crutch, an obsession, an addiction to get them through. I saw them as hiding behind Christianity. I thought they were crazy, believing and living by the Word, and incredibly unsophisticated.
There were some true believers I have an immense amount of respect for, and admiration. I am forever grateful for the seeds planted in me by them. Even those people I thought that was good for them, but I did not need religion. Now that I am a believer I fear their judgement. I have not been doing this as long as them, so I fear my theologies are way off, I do not know the Bible as well as them etc...
The people that have hurt me, I fear them the most. I fear the exposure, like they can somehow curse me by knowing my business. (Wow that was a revelation I will explore later). I know this sounds crazy I still fear abandonment from my dad. He abandoned me when I was two, he leads a sex cult, he hurt me badly yet there is a lingering fear. It is just a small lingering compared to before but none the less it is still there. I know he and his group think Christians are crazy, judgmental, stifled, repressed, hypocrites, etc.. They laugh about us.
I am sorry. This was pretty much like how I journal. Normally in this process the journal-ling takes place earlier in the day. I pray about it, try to organize my thoughts around scripture then post. Not today, that is not the way it is suppose to be. I do not have a lot of revelation yet, little clarity yet. I know the Lord will see me through this.
Dear Lord please forgive me for making fun of those walking with You, and for judging them. Lord I know you did not give me the spirit of fear so this is not from You, Please forgive me for my fear. Lord as I humbly walk in obedience protect me, give me Your strength for the judgement and condemnation. Lord I know You have changed me, I need You, I need the prayers of others, I need believers in my life. I am so grateful to You, for How amazing, powerful, and loving You are. Thank You Jesus Amen
Earlier today I saw that people from another social media site have linked to this blog. I instantly got anxious. I feel very protected on this site, most are true believers I trust extend grace, and mercy. I have invited a few friends and family, if it is on my heart to do so, yet I still feel protected. I really have more questions about this issue than answers. I am just going to type and hope some form of organization appears.
My husband was transferred this year to Kentucky. By the time we moved The Lord had healed me to the point I have the strength to profess my faith, and talk with others about Jesus and how great He is. I am totally transparent here. My kids go to an awesome Christian School, connected to our church. Our church is filled with the Holy Spirit and rooted deeply in the Bible. We have even taken an oath to not slander, gossip, or talk negatively about each other in or out of church, nor tolerate it from anyone who may slip. This gives total freedom to worship, pray, and walk with the Lord. I am very protected and insulated here in the Bible belt.
I have spent most of my life in the Cincinnati area. Before The Lord started changing me I was a totally different person. There is very little He has not changed in me. I fear a lot about the people that knew the old me, condemning me. This has a lot to do with how I perceived Christians, and how we talked about them. I am just going to say it and put it out there. I judged them to be hypocrites. Every time I saw them sin, I believed they were just saying they were Christians to some how impress people, but their actions were ruthless. I perceived them as weak. I thought Christians needed a crutch, an obsession, an addiction to get them through. I saw them as hiding behind Christianity. I thought they were crazy, believing and living by the Word, and incredibly unsophisticated.
There were some true believers I have an immense amount of respect for, and admiration. I am forever grateful for the seeds planted in me by them. Even those people I thought that was good for them, but I did not need religion. Now that I am a believer I fear their judgement. I have not been doing this as long as them, so I fear my theologies are way off, I do not know the Bible as well as them etc...
The people that have hurt me, I fear them the most. I fear the exposure, like they can somehow curse me by knowing my business. (Wow that was a revelation I will explore later). I know this sounds crazy I still fear abandonment from my dad. He abandoned me when I was two, he leads a sex cult, he hurt me badly yet there is a lingering fear. It is just a small lingering compared to before but none the less it is still there. I know he and his group think Christians are crazy, judgmental, stifled, repressed, hypocrites, etc.. They laugh about us.
I am sorry. This was pretty much like how I journal. Normally in this process the journal-ling takes place earlier in the day. I pray about it, try to organize my thoughts around scripture then post. Not today, that is not the way it is suppose to be. I do not have a lot of revelation yet, little clarity yet. I know the Lord will see me through this.
Dear Lord please forgive me for making fun of those walking with You, and for judging them. Lord I know you did not give me the spirit of fear so this is not from You, Please forgive me for my fear. Lord as I humbly walk in obedience protect me, give me Your strength for the judgement and condemnation. Lord I know You have changed me, I need You, I need the prayers of others, I need believers in my life. I am so grateful to You, for How amazing, powerful, and loving You are. Thank You Jesus Amen
