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Sometimes I see an article in which a sexologist or marriage educator suggests that it’s good for a relationship to watch porn together. Of course, I disagree. However, I don’t think we should ignore the research they cite in support of their opinion. We Christians should be willing to speak truth, even if pieces of it don’t go the way we wish they would.
For instance, I’ve written before how premarital sex felt great, and saying otherwise doesn’t equip youth and singles for the temptations they encounter. That doesn’t mean that premarital sex is good, just that it felt good at the time. But let’s not pretend otherwise and let’s argue God’s design for sex based on a deeper understanding of what sexual intimacy should be in our lives.
Back to porn. From what I’ve read, studies consistently show two outcomes of watching porn as a couple that are considered positive:
Now, first off, this is for couples voluntarily watching porn together. When one spouse watches porn alone or demands that the other watch them, most can see how this would be a bad idea. Of course, I believe that watching porn is sin, but even someone who doesn’t should recognize that acting out sexually in ways your spouse dislikes can and will damage the relationship.
As for watching porn as a couple, what about those positive benefits found in various studies?
Increased sexual frequency seems like a great outcome. Plenty of spouses would like to engage in sex more often. I’ve even personally heard from couples who say this worked — that they had a particularly steamy session of lovemaking after watching a porn video together.
By the way, this is also an argument of romance and erotic romance authors, who point to research that shows an increase in sexual frequency when the wife reads their fiction.
However, this increase in sexual frequency does not translate to increased sexual intimacy. Rather, porn encourages sexual consumerism; that is, viewing the person on screen, and later your partner, as a means to an end. That end being your own sexual pleasure.
Speaking of which, the emphasis is physical pleasure, rather than emotional connection. While you might still feel emotionally connected the first few times when fueled by porn, over time, you will absorb the messages inherent in pornography. Those messages include objectification of others, aggression, unbalanced power dynamics, and misuse of our bodies.
Having more frequent sex that doesn’t lead to greater marital intimacy isn’t the goal. Instead, couples should find ways to increase sexual frequency that honor one another and promote genuine connection in their marriage.
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The second “positive” outcome noted by researchers is that couples are more willing to try new things in the bedroom. Yes, it can be good to expand your sexual menu! That said, it’s not always good to try new things.
Think about it in terms of a food menu. Sure, you want to eat a variety of foods, and trying new things can help you accomplish that. But it’s one thing to try broccoli or Brussel sprouts and another thing altogether to try mice or maggots. (Yes, I discovered some people in the world eat those, and GROSS.) Sorry for that word picture, but you get the point that some sexual activities are not good for you to add to your menu.
When a study says that couples are willing to try what they saw in porn, what they’re saying is that people become more willing to try activities that are often extreme, degrading, or harmful.
Moreover, the introduction of extreme activities can keep spouses from enjoying “regular” sex. Drs. John and Julie Gottman explained it in terms of a supernormal stimulus:
Again, you can try new things without “inspiration” from porn. I have many posts on my blog with how to tips for husbands and wives, I have step-by-step suggestions in my book Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design, and we share ideas on our Sex Chat for Christian Wives podcast.
Short answer: yes. And not just because it hurts the intimacy of the couple watching it.
Pornography viewing has been linked to attitudes supporting violence against women. And the industry itself abuses actors who create that pornography. Even those who say they enjoy what they’re doing often have sexual abuse in their background and/or addictions to cope with the misuse of their bodies.
But today’s porn also includes unwilling participants — specifically, sexually trafficked victims. Many of whom are minors.
Yet, it also damages a couple’s intimacy, whether they watch alone or together. Over the course of my ministry, I’ve heard from countless spouses who have been negatively impacted by porn use. It sets up unrealistic expectations, encourages exploiting others for your sexual satisfaction, and keeps us from enjoying the so-much-better sexual intimacy God intends for us to have.
Porn sets up unrealistic expectations, encourages exploiting others for your sexual satisfaction, and keeps us from enjoying the so-much-better sexual intimacy God intends for us to have. #marriage #Christiansex
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If you’re struggling with porn, please reach out and get some help. Here are a few resources to consider:
The post Could Porn Improve Your Sex Life? appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.
Continue reading...
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Sometimes I see an article in which a sexologist or marriage educator suggests that it’s good for a relationship to watch porn together. Of course, I disagree. However, I don’t think we should ignore the research they cite in support of their opinion. We Christians should be willing to speak truth, even if pieces of it don’t go the way we wish they would.
For instance, I’ve written before how premarital sex felt great, and saying otherwise doesn’t equip youth and singles for the temptations they encounter. That doesn’t mean that premarital sex is good, just that it felt good at the time. But let’s not pretend otherwise and let’s argue God’s design for sex based on a deeper understanding of what sexual intimacy should be in our lives.
Back to porn. From what I’ve read, studies consistently show two outcomes of watching porn as a couple that are considered positive:
- The frequency of sex increases.
- Individuals are more willing to try new sexual activities.
Now, first off, this is for couples voluntarily watching porn together. When one spouse watches porn alone or demands that the other watch them, most can see how this would be a bad idea. Of course, I believe that watching porn is sin, but even someone who doesn’t should recognize that acting out sexually in ways your spouse dislikes can and will damage the relationship.
As for watching porn as a couple, what about those positive benefits found in various studies?
1. The frequency of sex increases.
Increased sexual frequency seems like a great outcome. Plenty of spouses would like to engage in sex more often. I’ve even personally heard from couples who say this worked — that they had a particularly steamy session of lovemaking after watching a porn video together.
By the way, this is also an argument of romance and erotic romance authors, who point to research that shows an increase in sexual frequency when the wife reads their fiction.
However, this increase in sexual frequency does not translate to increased sexual intimacy. Rather, porn encourages sexual consumerism; that is, viewing the person on screen, and later your partner, as a means to an end. That end being your own sexual pleasure.
Speaking of which, the emphasis is physical pleasure, rather than emotional connection. While you might still feel emotionally connected the first few times when fueled by porn, over time, you will absorb the messages inherent in pornography. Those messages include objectification of others, aggression, unbalanced power dynamics, and misuse of our bodies.
Having more frequent sex that doesn’t lead to greater marital intimacy isn’t the goal. Instead, couples should find ways to increase sexual frequency that honor one another and promote genuine connection in their marriage.
Preorder Now for Only $25!
Learn More About the Class
2. Individuals are more willing to try new sexual activities.
The second “positive” outcome noted by researchers is that couples are more willing to try new things in the bedroom. Yes, it can be good to expand your sexual menu! That said, it’s not always good to try new things.
Think about it in terms of a food menu. Sure, you want to eat a variety of foods, and trying new things can help you accomplish that. But it’s one thing to try broccoli or Brussel sprouts and another thing altogether to try mice or maggots. (Yes, I discovered some people in the world eat those, and GROSS.) Sorry for that word picture, but you get the point that some sexual activities are not good for you to add to your menu.
When a study says that couples are willing to try what they saw in porn, what they’re saying is that people become more willing to try activities that are often extreme, degrading, or harmful.
Moreover, the introduction of extreme activities can keep spouses from enjoying “regular” sex. Drs. John and Julie Gottman explained it in terms of a supernormal stimulus:
Again, you can try new things without “inspiration” from porn. I have many posts on my blog with how to tips for husbands and wives, I have step-by-step suggestions in my book Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design, and we share ideas on our Sex Chat for Christian Wives podcast.
But Is Porn Really That Bad?
Short answer: yes. And not just because it hurts the intimacy of the couple watching it.
Pornography viewing has been linked to attitudes supporting violence against women. And the industry itself abuses actors who create that pornography. Even those who say they enjoy what they’re doing often have sexual abuse in their background and/or addictions to cope with the misuse of their bodies.
But today’s porn also includes unwilling participants — specifically, sexually trafficked victims. Many of whom are minors.
Yet, it also damages a couple’s intimacy, whether they watch alone or together. Over the course of my ministry, I’ve heard from countless spouses who have been negatively impacted by porn use. It sets up unrealistic expectations, encourages exploiting others for your sexual satisfaction, and keeps us from enjoying the so-much-better sexual intimacy God intends for us to have.
Porn sets up unrealistic expectations, encourages exploiting others for your sexual satisfaction, and keeps us from enjoying the so-much-better sexual intimacy God intends for us to have. #marriage #Christiansex
Tweet
If you’re struggling with porn, please reach out and get some help. Here are a few resources to consider:
The post Could Porn Improve Your Sex Life? appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.
Continue reading...
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