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Lately, I’ve been reading academic papers about faith and sex. I don’t usually pick up detailed studies with tiny font, research lingo, and statistics for my summer reading, but it’s for a project I’m involved with. And it turns out that it’s much more interesting than it sounds.
The main question of several of these papers is how “religiosity” impacts satisfaction with one’s sex life. Researchers measure religiosity in both external and internal ways (e.g., church attendance vs personal commitment). And so far in my reading, it appears that the internal measures—that is, an internalized faith—has a positive effect on one’s sexual satisfaction.
Let’s look at how faith helps one’s sexual satisfaction in marriage, as well as when it doesn’t.
Oftentimes, researchers attempt to “control” for factors that could influence the outcome. For instance, if I run a study of 100 couples and discover a correlation between wearing socks and having an orgasm (an actual outcome of one study!), I might immediately conclude we should all wear socks. But what if a different variable was actually at work—say, whether participants fantasized during sexual activity? I could ask about sexual fantasy and include it as a “statistical control” to see if that had as much or more to do with orgasm than wearing socks. If sexual fantasy didn’t correlate high enough, then I could safely advise: “Slip on some socks!”
In the studies I’ve read, religiosity—or how much a person engages with and values their religious beliefs and practices—is definitely correlated with higher sexual satisfaction in marriage. But once researchers controlled for some factors like commitment to one’s spouse and time spent together, the impact of religiosity itself was less significant.
But wait a minute! What’s actually happening is that higher religiosity individuals tend to view marriage as sacred and requiring a higher commitment, while couples who live out their faith—such as having faith conversations and praying together—spend more time together. So researchers agreed that genuine faith leads to higher sexual satisfaction, but through mediators like commitment, fidelity, and time together.
Genuine faith leads to higher sexual satisfaction, but through mediators like commitment, fidelity, and time together.
Tweet
While the research at this point seems pretty clear—internalized and practiced faith fosters better outcomes for marital sex—it would be foolish to say being a Christian always leads to better sex. Indeed, some of you have been hurt by messages and people in our faith.
If you combed through news stories, social media posts, memoirs, or my email, you’d find plenty of stories from folks who were abused by someone in the church, absorbed terrible messages about sex, were mistreated by a spouse who claimed faith while acting without compassion, and felt abandoned by God. You’d read about people who cried out for help from fellow church members, leaders, and/or Christian counselors and received responses that doubled the pain.
I can make a biblical case for faith in God leading to a better sex life. I’ve done that quite a lot on my website and in my books. But let’s look again at the research.
Among the research were studies about how “sanctification” of sex—that is, beliefs about the meaning and reverence of sexual intimacy—improves satisfaction. But that’s not what a lot of Christians have been taught.
Instead, many men were taught entitlement while many women were taught obligation and then tried to live that out. Plenty of folks were taught that the appearance of commitment mattered more than actual fidelity and kept sexual secrets that wounded them and their spouses. Some people were taught that sex being sacred in marriage meant it would be easy, and when problems came, they had few or no resources to address them. And far too many Christians were taught through sexual trauma that they didn’t matter as persons but only as tools for someone else’s pleasure.
I’m so sorry that happened to you.
None of that is God’s design for sex. Rather, the message Christians should declare is that God wants spouses to experience mutually desirable and satisfying sexual intimacy and marriage beds should be filled with Christ-like virtues like compassion, honor, and love. Anything less than that is not a sanctified view of sex.
Christians should declare is that God wants spouses to experience mutually desirable and satisfying sexual intimacy and marriage beds should be filled with Christ-like virtues like compassion, honor, and love.
Tweet
Identifying as Christian isn’t enough. As James put it: “But don’t just listen to God’s word. You must do what it says. Otherwise, you are only fooling yourselves” (James 1:22, NLT).
In fact, a little bit of church or the Bible can be worse than none at all. Why is that? For men in particular who attend church or read the Bible irregularly, they can pick up phrases and verses to use against their wives rather than surrendering to the whole counsel of God.[1] For instance, they may pull 1 Corinthians 7:3–5 out of context and use it to pressure their wives for frequent sex, or embrace the concept of male “headship”—the validity of which we can discuss another time—without grasping that the King of Kings got on his knees and washed the dirty feet of those he led (see John 13:1–17).
Of course, many wives also listen to the Word of God like someone “who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like” (James 1:23–24). Rather than living out 1 Corinthians 13 love, we can become selfish, harsh, or dismissive of our husbands. I say this as someone who’s been guilty of all of those.
As individuals, we can make choices about what we put into practice. And you don’t get those better outcomes in sexual satisfaction—not to mention our lives and our very souls—without a deeper dedication to God’s will.
But you also lose out on it if your spouse does not embrace faith or practice its tenets—such as love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22–23).
Predictably, the best situation is when both husband and wife commit to religiosity and sanctification of their sexual intimacy.
Do friends, family, and fellow Christians encourage your faith and your marriage? Does your church speak about sex in a biblical-yet-practical way? Do you have resources to turn to when you face challenges in your life, marriage, or sexuality? Do you have the time and space to devote to spiritual disciplines like prayer, Bible study, worship, and service? Does your spouse support your desire and efforts to live out your faith?
If you answered yes to all of those, I suspect you have a better sex life than most … or can and will get there. But for those who don’t have such support, you may struggle to internalize and practice your faith as fully as you could and should. (I answered one of those questions with a “no.” So again, speaking to the choir here!)
Community matters. If your current circles are not sufficiently supportive, look for ways to build a stronger community for yourself and your marriage. And someone out there needs to hear this next part: It’s okay to cut ties with contacts or churches that have profoundly hurt you. You can forgive someone without staying connected. Look for the kind of friends and support that God would give a big thumbs-up.
I’ll still be reading research studies for a while yet, but I feel certain that there will be no big surprises. I appreciate the small ahas, but the umbrella conclusion is exactly what I’d expect: Doing life the way God created us to live is better for us.
I’m not suggesting any guarantees here. You could do absolutely everything right, and an accident or illness could render you unable to engage in any sexual activity. We can get off-track if we believe the benefits of faith are all experienced here on earth. Instead, the Bible promises us trouble, persecution, sorrow, and death. But the odds are far more in your favor to follow God.
This world was broken by sin, but God’s goodness still abounds. We see it in the beauty of nature, we hear it in the moving sounds of music, and we feel it in the joy of a newborn baby. We touch it when we embrace our loving spouse in a sanctified sexual encounter that expresses and increases our intimacy.
In short, God created us to worship Him and live out His commands, and doing so will likely lead to better sex. The research agrees.
[1] Nancy Pearcey goes into this in detail in her book The Toxic War on Masculinity, and researcher Brad Wilcox also discussed it in Soft Patriarchs, New Men.
The post Can Faith Help Your Sex Life? appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.
Continue reading...
```
Lately, I’ve been reading academic papers about faith and sex. I don’t usually pick up detailed studies with tiny font, research lingo, and statistics for my summer reading, but it’s for a project I’m involved with. And it turns out that it’s much more interesting than it sounds.
The main question of several of these papers is how “religiosity” impacts satisfaction with one’s sex life. Researchers measure religiosity in both external and internal ways (e.g., church attendance vs personal commitment). And so far in my reading, it appears that the internal measures—that is, an internalized faith—has a positive effect on one’s sexual satisfaction.
Let’s look at how faith helps one’s sexual satisfaction in marriage, as well as when it doesn’t.
Faith leads to values associated with sexual satisfaction.
Oftentimes, researchers attempt to “control” for factors that could influence the outcome. For instance, if I run a study of 100 couples and discover a correlation between wearing socks and having an orgasm (an actual outcome of one study!), I might immediately conclude we should all wear socks. But what if a different variable was actually at work—say, whether participants fantasized during sexual activity? I could ask about sexual fantasy and include it as a “statistical control” to see if that had as much or more to do with orgasm than wearing socks. If sexual fantasy didn’t correlate high enough, then I could safely advise: “Slip on some socks!”
In the studies I’ve read, religiosity—or how much a person engages with and values their religious beliefs and practices—is definitely correlated with higher sexual satisfaction in marriage. But once researchers controlled for some factors like commitment to one’s spouse and time spent together, the impact of religiosity itself was less significant.
But wait a minute! What’s actually happening is that higher religiosity individuals tend to view marriage as sacred and requiring a higher commitment, while couples who live out their faith—such as having faith conversations and praying together—spend more time together. So researchers agreed that genuine faith leads to higher sexual satisfaction, but through mediators like commitment, fidelity, and time together.
Genuine faith leads to higher sexual satisfaction, but through mediators like commitment, fidelity, and time together.
Tweet
But religion has hurt some of your sex lives.
While the research at this point seems pretty clear—internalized and practiced faith fosters better outcomes for marital sex—it would be foolish to say being a Christian always leads to better sex. Indeed, some of you have been hurt by messages and people in our faith.
If you combed through news stories, social media posts, memoirs, or my email, you’d find plenty of stories from folks who were abused by someone in the church, absorbed terrible messages about sex, were mistreated by a spouse who claimed faith while acting without compassion, and felt abandoned by God. You’d read about people who cried out for help from fellow church members, leaders, and/or Christian counselors and received responses that doubled the pain.
I can make a biblical case for faith in God leading to a better sex life. I’ve done that quite a lot on my website and in my books. But let’s look again at the research.
It matters what you believe.
Among the research were studies about how “sanctification” of sex—that is, beliefs about the meaning and reverence of sexual intimacy—improves satisfaction. But that’s not what a lot of Christians have been taught.
Instead, many men were taught entitlement while many women were taught obligation and then tried to live that out. Plenty of folks were taught that the appearance of commitment mattered more than actual fidelity and kept sexual secrets that wounded them and their spouses. Some people were taught that sex being sacred in marriage meant it would be easy, and when problems came, they had few or no resources to address them. And far too many Christians were taught through sexual trauma that they didn’t matter as persons but only as tools for someone else’s pleasure.
I’m so sorry that happened to you.
None of that is God’s design for sex. Rather, the message Christians should declare is that God wants spouses to experience mutually desirable and satisfying sexual intimacy and marriage beds should be filled with Christ-like virtues like compassion, honor, and love. Anything less than that is not a sanctified view of sex.
Christians should declare is that God wants spouses to experience mutually desirable and satisfying sexual intimacy and marriage beds should be filled with Christ-like virtues like compassion, honor, and love.
Tweet
It matters what you (both) practice.
Identifying as Christian isn’t enough. As James put it: “But don’t just listen to God’s word. You must do what it says. Otherwise, you are only fooling yourselves” (James 1:22, NLT).
In fact, a little bit of church or the Bible can be worse than none at all. Why is that? For men in particular who attend church or read the Bible irregularly, they can pick up phrases and verses to use against their wives rather than surrendering to the whole counsel of God.[1] For instance, they may pull 1 Corinthians 7:3–5 out of context and use it to pressure their wives for frequent sex, or embrace the concept of male “headship”—the validity of which we can discuss another time—without grasping that the King of Kings got on his knees and washed the dirty feet of those he led (see John 13:1–17).
Of course, many wives also listen to the Word of God like someone “who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like” (James 1:23–24). Rather than living out 1 Corinthians 13 love, we can become selfish, harsh, or dismissive of our husbands. I say this as someone who’s been guilty of all of those.
As individuals, we can make choices about what we put into practice. And you don’t get those better outcomes in sexual satisfaction—not to mention our lives and our very souls—without a deeper dedication to God’s will.
But you also lose out on it if your spouse does not embrace faith or practice its tenets—such as love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22–23).
Predictably, the best situation is when both husband and wife commit to religiosity and sanctification of their sexual intimacy.
It matters what support you have.
Do friends, family, and fellow Christians encourage your faith and your marriage? Does your church speak about sex in a biblical-yet-practical way? Do you have resources to turn to when you face challenges in your life, marriage, or sexuality? Do you have the time and space to devote to spiritual disciplines like prayer, Bible study, worship, and service? Does your spouse support your desire and efforts to live out your faith?
If you answered yes to all of those, I suspect you have a better sex life than most … or can and will get there. But for those who don’t have such support, you may struggle to internalize and practice your faith as fully as you could and should. (I answered one of those questions with a “no.” So again, speaking to the choir here!)
Community matters. If your current circles are not sufficiently supportive, look for ways to build a stronger community for yourself and your marriage. And someone out there needs to hear this next part: It’s okay to cut ties with contacts or churches that have profoundly hurt you. You can forgive someone without staying connected. Look for the kind of friends and support that God would give a big thumbs-up.
God created us to have better sex.
I’ll still be reading research studies for a while yet, but I feel certain that there will be no big surprises. I appreciate the small ahas, but the umbrella conclusion is exactly what I’d expect: Doing life the way God created us to live is better for us.
I’m not suggesting any guarantees here. You could do absolutely everything right, and an accident or illness could render you unable to engage in any sexual activity. We can get off-track if we believe the benefits of faith are all experienced here on earth. Instead, the Bible promises us trouble, persecution, sorrow, and death. But the odds are far more in your favor to follow God.
This world was broken by sin, but God’s goodness still abounds. We see it in the beauty of nature, we hear it in the moving sounds of music, and we feel it in the joy of a newborn baby. We touch it when we embrace our loving spouse in a sanctified sexual encounter that expresses and increases our intimacy.
In short, God created us to worship Him and live out His commands, and doing so will likely lead to better sex. The research agrees.
[1] Nancy Pearcey goes into this in detail in her book The Toxic War on Masculinity, and researcher Brad Wilcox also discussed it in Soft Patriarchs, New Men.
The post Can Faith Help Your Sex Life? appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.
Continue reading...
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