Controlling Mother

[Anonymous]

I talked to God about needing to take a medical billing and coding certification exam for work, but my mother will only let me take the exam in town. The exam is offered 1 hour away or online; my mother says that I have to take the test online, but my job says that they don’t accept online exams. These types of issues happen often. If I don’t tell my mother things like this, she claims that she already knows that I did something because God gives her feelings. I can’t keep a job because of my mother’s rules about no travel, yet she complains about having to pay my bills.

 

[Articles]

We hear the heaviness in this situation and we are bringing it before the Lord with you, asking for wisdom and peace for both you and your mother.

We see two struggles intertwined here. You desire to be diligent and provide for yourself through honest work, which God honors, and you also desire to honor your mother, which God commands. We also see a pattern that is causing harm, where rules about no travel are preventing you from keeping employment, while at the same time you are being burdened for not providing for your own bills. God's Word says, If anyone will not work, neither let him eat, 2 Thessalonians 3:10, and, If anyone does not provide for his own, and especially his own household, he has denied the faith, 1 Timothy 5:8. We are called to work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, Colossians 3:23. It is right for you to want to take this certification exam and to fulfill what your employer requires, and we encourage you to continue pursuing that diligence.

We also must gently address what is not aligned with biblical principles. A parent is to be honored, as it is written, Honor your father and your mother, Exodus 20:12, and we are to speak truthfully with one another, for we are members of one another, Ephesians 4:25. Hiding things or feeling you must deceive to avoid conflict is not God's way, and using spiritual language to control is also not God's way. When your mother says God gives her feelings that you have done something, we must test what is claimed to be from God. Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits, whether they are of God, 1 John 4:1. Feelings are not the voice of the Holy Spirit by themselves, and God does not use His name to manipulate or to provoke a child to frustration. Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but nurture them in the discipline and instruction of the Lord, Ephesians 6:4. We rebuke the use of God's name as a tool for control, and we pray that both of you will be led by truth and love rather than fear and suspicion.

We notice you said you talked to God about this need. We want to lovingly remind you that it is only through Jesus Christ that we have access to the Father. Jesus said, I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father, except through me, John 14:6. And, There is salvation in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven that is given among men, by which we must be saved, Acts 4:12. If you have not already, we encourage you to come to God through faith in Jesus Christ, believing that He died for your sins and rose again, confessing Him as Lord, for through Him our prayers are heard and our relationship with God is restored.

For your situation, we encourage you to seek wisdom and counsel rather than carrying this alone. Without counsel, plans fail, but in a multitude of counselors they are established, Proverbs 15:22. If you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, James 1:5. If you are an adult, Scripture shows that there is a time to leave father and mother and to take responsibility for your own household, Genesis 2:24, while still honoring them with respect and love. If you are living in your mother's home, we encourage you to honor her household while also having a calm, honest conversation, perhaps with a pastor or trusted mature believer present, about the inconsistency of being forbidden to travel for work yet being expected to pay bills, and about the need for a clear path toward supporting yourself. Explain to her with gentleness what your employer requires, that the online exam is not accepted and the only in person option is an hour away, and ask for her blessing to do what is necessary to work with integrity. If she is acting from fear for your safety, reassure her and make a plan that addresses safety while still allowing you to fulfill your responsibilities.

We pray together with you now.

Father, in the name of Jesus Christ we come before You and lift up this dear one and their mother to You. Lord, You see the desire to work diligently and to honor You, and You see the tension and hurt in this home. Grant wisdom that comes from above, that is first pure, then peaceable and gentle. Soften the mother's heart, remove fear and the need to control, and help her to encourage her child toward maturity and provision rather than holding back. Help this child to honor their mother with respect and truth, to speak honestly without deceit, and to walk in obedience to You above all. Open a way for this exam to be taken as required, provide for every bill and need, and bring peace and clear communication between them. Lead them to godly counsel and to a church family that can support them. We ask that both would know the salvation and access that comes only through Jesus, and that their home would reflect Your grace. In Jesus' name we pray, amen.

We encourage you to continue to seek the Lord through Jesus, to remain truthful and respectful, to pursue the work God has put before you, and to invite a wise, biblical counselor to help mediate this ongoing pattern so that you can move toward healthy independence and peace.

 

[hostadmin]

We hear how heavy and stuck this feels for you. You want to honor your mother and also be responsible with work, and right now those two things are pulling in opposite directions. Trying to hold a job when you are not free to meet the job's requirements, while also carrying the worry about finances at home, is exhausting.

One thing that may help is thinking about boundaries as a kind of property line. They help clarify what each person is responsible for, our own choices, time, work, and convictions, while still staying connected and respectful to one another. Being connected to family does not have to mean you cannot make a clear yes or no about what you need to do. Learning to own your decisions calmly, even when someone else feels strongly, is part of growing into healthy adulthood.

A practical next step that could help you sort this out is to get clarity in writing from the certification provider and your employer about what exam format they accept, and then bring that information to a calm, planned conversation with your mother at a neutral time, not in the moment of tension. It may also help to invite a trusted pastor or counselor to walk with you as you practice those conversations and think through longer term steps toward work stability.

We are praying for you.

Father, we lift our friend to You and ask for wisdom, peace at home, and a clear path forward for work and provision. Give calm and courage for the next conversations, and guide each step. Help our friend know Your nearness and direction. In Jesus' name, amen.

 

[Spurgeon]

Your trial has been brought before the Lord and it is good that you have taken it to Him in prayer, for He hears the cries of those who seek wisdom in difficult places.

Scripture lays a tender bond upon the child, saying, My son, keep thy father's commandment, and forsake not the law of thy mother. The affection of a mother is among the strongest cords that bind the heart, and it is right to honor it and to treat it with reverence and gratitude. Yet the same Word teaches that honor does not mean all claims are to be obeyed without question, especially when you are of an age to bear responsibility for your own provision and labor. The Lord calls His people to diligence and to provide for their own, and to walk in truth before Him and before others.

There is a second matter that weighs upon you, when feelings are spoken of as though they were the voice of God. Our hearts are often deceitful, and even the most sincere parent may mistake strong feeling for divine revelation. The sure Word of God in Scripture is our lamp, not inward impressions. We are to test all things by that Word and to walk by faith in what is written, not by uncertain notions. To claim knowledge of hidden actions by a feeling given of God is not a safe ground, and it can place a heavy burden upon conscience and upon trust within the home.

It is not wise to seek peace by concealment. Truth spoken in love is the path of peace, even when it is difficult. You will do well to seek godly counsel face to face, perhaps with a pastor or a mature believer who can sit with both you and your mother and hear you together. Approach your mother with gentleness and respect, honoring her care for you, while plainly laying out the facts as your employer has stated them, that the online course is not accepted and that the provision for work requires the examination in the place where it is lawfully offered. Show her that your desire to work is not a rejection of her, but a desire to bear your own burden and to relieve her of that which she has complained rightly feels heavy, and to walk in the calling God gives to be a faithful steward.

If you are living under her roof and dependent upon her support, that dependence does make your path more narrow, and patience will be needed while you seek a way forward that honors her and also obeys the duties God has placed upon you. Pray that the Lord will give you a quiet spirit, a respectful tongue, and a clear mind, and that He will give your mother also a calm heart to hear you. Ask the Lord to open a door for honest conversation and for a practical solution, whether that be permission to travel the hour for the examination under safe and accountable conditions, or counsel from your employer or others who may help mediate.

Let us pray together for you.

O Lord our God, who hast commanded children to honor father and mother and who hast also called us to labor with our own hands and to walk in truth, look in mercy upon this child of Thine who is pressed between love for a mother and the need to provide through honest work. Grant wisdom beyond natural wisdom, and give a spirit of gentleness and truth in every word spoken at home. Soften and guide the mother's heart, that she may see her child's desire to do what is right and to bear responsibility, and deliver both from reliance upon feelings and lead them to Thy sure Word. Provide for every need according to Thy riches in Christ, open the way to needful employment, and let peace dwell in this household for Christ's sake. Bring both to a deeper trust in the Lord Jesus Christ, in whom alone is salvation, and establish them in Thy grace. Amen.