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Guest
Guest
I have requested prayer many times- regarding my relationship- I have stated that god has sent me signs to be paitent and it will come- the break up will be over and Paul and I will be back together- I long to feel his arms around me, him cuddling with me while we sleep- Im finding out today in a conversation that one of the reasons for his decisions to end it was because a house we looked at I made astatement that - it was his money there for I did not get a say on weather or not he bought it-- I did not like the house at all- It brought back horrid memories from my child hood that are really hard for me to discuss--- Im finding that my refusal of the house really hurt him -- I was confused- I really didnt think my opinion mattered as it was going to be his home but appearently it was ment to be a home for us. Him and I deal with ALOT of misscommunication-- I still love him and really do want us back together-I know we both need changes in our lives and I feel the lord has said it is something we need to do together-- I still want continual agreement of him and I back in a commited relationship-- several others have stated we are good for one another-- another note-- today was a really rough day for me as alot of things came crashing down on me-- I am not feeling worthy of any ones love- I evaluated every relationship Ive been in and discoverd -- all of the wonderful things that the spouce has done for the ex's while they were in a relationship yet when they get to me-- Im the one that if I want to do soemthing I have to take the steps to get it done, it comes out of my pocket- I can think of very few men that have done what one would consider " sweet" or romanitc-- for me-- this makes me feel so unworthy -- down right hurt that they feel that every one else deserves something like a romantic get away or a trip or a stuffed animal or a card that says Im thinking of u or appriciate u-- I fell into this poor poor pitiful me mode after a talk with a friend who is friends with paul- he says they dated she says they were just friends- she talked about all of the things they use to do-- had a similar conversation with another friend of mine who we discoverd taht the persone we were seeing in the late 80's was the same one-- and she was telling me of all of the thoughtfull things he did for her- trips he would take her on etc-- I sit here and say I bend over backwards for the man Im in a realtionship with and I get cheated on, treated like the servent--- used as a punching bag and alot of other things-- today was just not a good day-- Paul and I were supose to go camping and now he is saying he may want to go by him self-- I found out that at one point he invited other people which is not my problem-- my problem is when he asked them -- he changed his tune about me going camping with him- then when they said they werent going he changed his mind to me going again-- I just found this out today-- I feel like I am so disposable- like I am no better than the scum in a bath tub that every one wants to get rid of-- he is not the only one that does this to me- again I ask for u to be in agreement that we become official again- I also ask that the lord take away these horid feelings I am having - make me not hurt and cry- make me not so jelouse- heal the broken relationship with Paul and I. God I am hurting so bad at this moment- my life is in shambles- I have no income, no place to go- Im hurting mentally and physically- my mom is really ill, there is an endless list of the things in my life-- that just seem to be falling appart around me. I try every day to just let god handle it- and i start struggling- I know satan is playing havic with me- I get down on my knees and pray frequently-- when paul and i got into an argument earlier today - I thought for sure he was going to throw me out-- I was in the shower screaming and crying to the Lord -- he kept paul from throwing me out AGAIN. Also my stuff is at a persons house that we were friends and we had a falling out- its just about every thing I own-- I have no means and no money to go retrieve it-- its things like pictures and stuff like that-- she has told paul I have a short time to get it- once I get it I have no place to put it-- when it rain's it pours-- I keep saying God if u want me out of here- u need to take me out now because I cant stand this tourcher any more- I know he only gives us as much as we can handle- I feel like I am at my breaking point yet again-- in the past year -- the good that has happend is- Paul and I got back together after our last break up- I got a new home, my grades in school went up- I recieved enough income to help support the household- I met and got involved with Pauls family, and a few other things- on the down side- I now feel like I am back at square one- Im looking at being homeless- no income- my grades are slipping in school- Paul and I broke up - Im finding out soem of my friends werent really friends- my mom is very ill- I am suffering from post tramadic stress syndrome and really bad anxiety- my hormones are out of wack- I feel abandon yet again- I feel like not a human being is capable of loving me- I feel alone- I dont want to die, I just want to be numb- because I am so tired of all of the repeated things happening in my life. I generally have a strong faith in the Lord-- he has come threw many times-- I believe he will in his time-- I am just feeling so deperate and hopeless- for the first time I met a man that though his words say he doesnt love me his actions show other wise- he has shown me what a desent relationship is-- both with him and in Christ- though we dont pray together we do pray- I attend services every week and volunteer at our churches food pantry- and occasionally help with the offering -- it seems like the more I get active in the church the worse my life becomes- Im not sure what else to ask u to pray for-- I have listed many needs and desires- I go for prayer during the call for prayer needs every week and the past few times though I started to go for other reasons- the pastors said that there was someone who was either having trouble with their marriage or their commited relationship- that they recieved the word that -- its not over and this person or these people need to be patient- and not walk away-- just before this call I said to God, Im so ready just to walk away from this with Paul- I need yet another sign-- and BOOM 2 different weeks- same prayer request-- I do love Paul- with most of my heart- God has my full heart- please I am begging for help- peace no jelousy-- and what ever else-- Im sorry this is so confusing-- Im a mess right now and have many thoughts going threw my head and cant seem to get them out in writing in a clear mannor-- again I ask in Jesus name that u pray for Paul and I to reconsile as and official couple- and all of my other issues- Thank u-
