Thank you all for your prayers. Each of you touched my heart and for the first timne in ages I cried. Maybe that's a good sign. Maybe that means something is changing inside of me.
Your strength of faith is amazing. I used to have what I thought was a strong faith and trust in God and it saw me through many trials in my life. I'm a lot older now and just so tired and cynical and the former comfort I found in my faith is lost on me any more.
I don't want to feel this way. I've fought it and often would "fake it 'til I made it". I've just run out of steam and yet my anger, frustration, and despair seem so strong. It seems that what energy I have left goes towards negative thoughts and emotions.
I know that I have no control over my emotions- I can't control what I feel but I always have a choice as to how I will react to my feelings. I've reacted badly. Tammys mental problems caused her to mistreat/abuse me and instead of walking away i often lashed back in anger. I would bite my tongue and take it as long as I could and then I would lower myself and lash out in defense. I always then felt remorse, shame, and I feel so weak and ashamed for acting out.
I am a survivor- I fight hard to make it through trying times. I've just run out of steam it seems. At first I felt guilty for fror my anger towards God. Now I'm apathetic. I'm not even sure I believe any more. I try not to let self-pity drive me and I try to take the high road and do what is right rather than what is easy but it seems, more and more, that I just don't care.
I guess I still somehow must care because here I am asking others to pray for me. I guess I have more faith in YOUR faith than I have of my own? It's so hard to articulate my feelings and thoughts when I used to be so easily able to express myself.
I just wanted to thank you all for your prayers and love. I hope things change for me- I miss the man I used to be. I worked so hard to turn myself around and become honorable again and though I still feel that I am a good man I feel like I'm being eaten alive my these horrible bad feelings.
As far as Tammy: I struggle with "mentally ill" vs "evil". She knows, when lucid, that she has a problem. She is very "Lekyll & Hyde" in that yesterdays admission of having a problem and needing help becomes todays blame-shift onto me. Although we are no longer in contact and I doubt I will ever speak to her again it still breaks my heart to know that someone I love suffers yet on the other hand I am so angry because she directs so much hatred and evil and abuse towards me still. It seems that if a person can control their rages and lies at work or with strangers then they can control them "at home" per se, no? I made so many excuses for her such as "She's sick- it's not her fault" or "Don't take it persponally- it's her sickness talking" but eventually it did indeed become personal. I've concluded that a person can be both mentally ill as well as evil.
I guess it's not my place to try to figure her out any more. I'd have done anything to help her and many times she asked me to help but would always, at the last minute, change it up, deny any problem, and lay the blame on me.
I would never wish mental problems or any other problems for that matter upon someone so I am hurt so badly by this. I feel so betrayed, abused, and I feel a lot of shame for allowing mysaelf to be manipulated and tricked, pulled in and pushed away, so many times. I'm a sucker for a hard luck story and I've always looked out for the underdog. I'm angry (much of it with myself) for allowing myself to be used and abused and I hate to say it but I am angry with God for allowing it too.
I've not asked for much and always tried to pray for others rather than myself. I never prayed for "things" or outcomes but instead for strength, courage, or whatever God saw fit for me. I trusted that God would prepare me for and see me through anything.
I don't believe that any more. I don't trust God and it breaks my heart. Many times my faith, God, was the only thing I KNEW would be there to guide me and strengthen me. I feel so betrayed.
I truly feel broken and empty.
The tears that came out upon reading and meditating on your many prayers perhaps mean that there is still some fire in my belly. I don't know. I DO know, though, that I appreciate each and every one of you and I thank you all.
Peace and love,
BrokenSpirit
