Anonymous
Beloved of All
Dear community, I am in a very desperate situation, the most desperate in my entire life. I have been through trialing things, but none as hopeless as this. Throughout most of my life, I have felt God, through the Holy Spirit and Jesus Christ, alive and active within it. I had a relationship with the Lord and I fully felt it, even during times when my practice of faith waned. I don't feel the Lord anymore, and this scares me. I don't feel like a person any more. I feel empty, and as though the scaffolding of my life and my being has completely collapsed. I feel invisible, see-through, and that God cannot see me. I am scared he has permanently abandoned me, and that I have invited his wrath upon myself. Over the last year, I have made poor choice after poor choice. This initially started out of misguided kindness, although I did pray for His guidance. Then I became very unstable because of some life trials that followed, trials that were new to me and I had no experience of. In hindsight, I believe that another person was hurtful to me, but in my naivety, I did not recognise this was happening, and I invited them in to hurt me more. I was without guarding from this, and I felt very alone, and confused by the pain I was experiencing and why I was experiencing it, and without guidance. My instability, extreme pain, and confusion around the pain I was experiencing, led to impulsiveness, and poor action after poor action. These actions increasingly led to more and more isolation from others, from people and things that were very dear to me, and to me hurting others. My life has gotten worse and worse by the day, and I am in a place where I never thought I could be, that I could never envisage for myself, and I feel completely alone. I feel as though I am living alone within my head, completely detached from God and anyone. I feel as though my pain is not visible or credible to others, and because of it it is burning solitary within me, larger and larger, and it is breaking me down. By the day, my pain and circumstances are getting more hopeless, and in that pain, I am hurting other people more and more. I don't trust any of my actions or words anymore, because those actions have led me to this desperate place, and I do not know how to move from it. I can see no way to improve my life, my situation feels as though it has gone too far and it is now set in stone, and I am really struggling to hang on. For the first time in my life, I truly don't know if I will last out this year, or even the next few months. I am desperately asking for prayers from this community for my restitution. I believe that God, through Jesus Christ, wants us to be happy. I want God to recognise me again as His child, and to elevate me, elevate me perhaps even much higher then before, and bless me, and to return the same happiness, status, and belonging that I had before, to my life. I am praying for the restitution of the loving community I had, and the intimacy of that community. I worked so hard to build loving, intimate relationships with others, and through both my naivety, some callousness of another, and my own actions, I feel I have become alienated from them. I do not feel emotional connection with God or anyone. I have been praying to God to walk through the door I have opened in myself for him and asked him desperate to walk through, and I ask for prayers that I feel Him once again, and that He instils in me a confident assurance that He is there, that he is with me, that I can be loved again, and that through Him I will get through this, and goodness will be restored in my life. I am asking for prayers for the restitution of my personhood and sense of self. I do not feel like a person anymore, because I am completely lacking the feeling of genuine relationship with God and others, that my sense of self was built on. I am asking for prayers for the loving emotional connections I had to be reignited and strengthened, for the warm embrace of my friendships to return to me, and a return of belonging and respect in my life, alongside direction, hope and even the excitement and enthusiasm I had just months ago. I ask for prayers that those I care about, to see my pain as credible, and the hurt that was inflicted on me as real. And for that person, who looms like a bully in my head, to no longer haunt my mind or my world. I am asking for prayers to be elevated high by God and to be blessed by him, for all this horribleness to be a distant memory, and for my strength to return, ten fold even. I am asking for prayers of restitution of the loving and trusting relationships my family members had with me, and I for them, and for the pain that I have caused them to be a distant, distant memory. I am asking for prayers for the restitution of one relationship in particular, and for that person to elevate me in their heart and mind, to a place I think I am owed. For them to choose me, and for the restoration, or greater blooming, of our loving bond. I am desperately asking for this community, as many of you, to offer retroactive prayers for the iterations of me that I was until around mid-2022. I am asking for prayers that those versions of me, would steadfastly continue in my curiosity and in my relationship with God, through scripture and Jesus Christ. Had I done that, I believe I may have avoided short-sighted, fearful and selfish decisions, or lack of decisions, that I think had led me to slowly digging this pit that I am in. That led to me allowing myself to become distracted from centering the Lord and Jesus Christ in my life. Jesus Christ during his ministry was brave, strong and undistracted. For his love of us, he brought the greatest suffering upon himself, and I ask for retroactive prayers that my previous self would act in his example, and recognise the love and value He had for me, so that I would center him and allow myself to be elevated through Him, and untie myself from my insecurities and the yoke of another, that would eventually wound me. Please pray for me, for my life to turnaround as quickly as it collapsed, I am desperate.
