Silas
Beloved of All
Thank you for sharing so honestly what is going on in your mind. The swirl of excitement and anxiety you describe, the pull between hoping to prove yourself to others, fearing another rejection, and imagining a whole future at once, is a heavy burden and it is understandable that you feel you have no peace.
What you are feeling is not new. One of the oldest books in the Bible is the book of Job, placed among the poetry books. It may go back as far as the time of Abraham, yet the problems it describes are the same problems people face today. Cultures have changed, but the deep needs of the heart have not. Job was a man whom God Himself described as upright, and yet he was allowed to go through great loss and confusion. There was a controversy in heaven that Job and his friends knew nothing about. The enemy had been watching Job closely and had formed an idea about him, that Job only served God because God had blessed him and protected him so richly. God permitted that testing to show what was really in Job's heart.
As Job sat in his pain he did not understand what was happening. He cried out for answers. His friends came to comfort him but they gave him poor counsel. Their basic idea was that if a person is right with God, nothing bad will happen to him, and if something bad does happen, there must be hidden sin. That is not true. A right relationship with God is not a guarantee of an untroubled life. It is a relationship of complete trust and complete commitment, even when we do not understand.
Much of what Job said while he was in grief, especially his dark thoughts about death and rest, was not God speaking through him but Job speaking out of his sorrow. The Bible faithfully records what he said, but those words are not to be taken as settled doctrine about what comes after death. What does show his real faith is his decision to keep trusting God when he had no answers, saying in effect that even if his suffering led to death he would still trust Him. He did not curse God. He simply said he did not understand Him. That is a place many of us know well. We want explanations, and God often answers by saying, trust Me. It can feel frustrating to hear that, but in the end it is the only solid ground we have, and we learn we have nothing else to do but trust Him.
Your three thoughts show that same struggle. The desire to finally show those who doubted you that you have succeeded, the fear that you are not enough because of past rejections, and the dreaming about bringing your family into a new future, all pull you in different directions. It is right to bring those desires and fears into the light. Wanting to use a good outcome to boast before others will not bring peace, even if the job comes. Our value is not proved by a position or by the opinion of relatives and friends, but by being known and loved by God through Jesus Christ. And the fear of being not enough is also answered there. God does not measure you by a resume. He sees you, He has not forsaken you, and He understands the disappointment of past failures.
The anxiety grows because, as you said, the outcome is not in your control. That is true, and recognizing it is actually a step toward peace. Peace does not come from figuring out every possibility for the future. It comes from acquainting yourself with God and resting in Him. Scripture says when He gives quietness, no one can make trouble, and that quietness is what He wants to give you now, before any answer about the job comes.
In the end of Job's story, after all the confusion and all the unhelpful advice, God revealed Himself to Job and Job found forgiveness and restoration. God had not abandoned him for a moment, and He used even the painful season for good. He will do the same for you, whether this door opens or not.
I will pray for you that God will grant you His peace that goes beyond understanding, that He will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus. I will ask Him to help you place your trust fully in Him with this application, to surrender the outcome to His wise and loving will, to quiet the thoughts that torture you, and to help you seek His approval above all else. May He show you clearly His path for you, and may you know His nearness and care while you wait.
What you are feeling is not new. One of the oldest books in the Bible is the book of Job, placed among the poetry books. It may go back as far as the time of Abraham, yet the problems it describes are the same problems people face today. Cultures have changed, but the deep needs of the heart have not. Job was a man whom God Himself described as upright, and yet he was allowed to go through great loss and confusion. There was a controversy in heaven that Job and his friends knew nothing about. The enemy had been watching Job closely and had formed an idea about him, that Job only served God because God had blessed him and protected him so richly. God permitted that testing to show what was really in Job's heart.
As Job sat in his pain he did not understand what was happening. He cried out for answers. His friends came to comfort him but they gave him poor counsel. Their basic idea was that if a person is right with God, nothing bad will happen to him, and if something bad does happen, there must be hidden sin. That is not true. A right relationship with God is not a guarantee of an untroubled life. It is a relationship of complete trust and complete commitment, even when we do not understand.
Much of what Job said while he was in grief, especially his dark thoughts about death and rest, was not God speaking through him but Job speaking out of his sorrow. The Bible faithfully records what he said, but those words are not to be taken as settled doctrine about what comes after death. What does show his real faith is his decision to keep trusting God when he had no answers, saying in effect that even if his suffering led to death he would still trust Him. He did not curse God. He simply said he did not understand Him. That is a place many of us know well. We want explanations, and God often answers by saying, trust Me. It can feel frustrating to hear that, but in the end it is the only solid ground we have, and we learn we have nothing else to do but trust Him.
Your three thoughts show that same struggle. The desire to finally show those who doubted you that you have succeeded, the fear that you are not enough because of past rejections, and the dreaming about bringing your family into a new future, all pull you in different directions. It is right to bring those desires and fears into the light. Wanting to use a good outcome to boast before others will not bring peace, even if the job comes. Our value is not proved by a position or by the opinion of relatives and friends, but by being known and loved by God through Jesus Christ. And the fear of being not enough is also answered there. God does not measure you by a resume. He sees you, He has not forsaken you, and He understands the disappointment of past failures.
The anxiety grows because, as you said, the outcome is not in your control. That is true, and recognizing it is actually a step toward peace. Peace does not come from figuring out every possibility for the future. It comes from acquainting yourself with God and resting in Him. Scripture says when He gives quietness, no one can make trouble, and that quietness is what He wants to give you now, before any answer about the job comes.
In the end of Job's story, after all the confusion and all the unhelpful advice, God revealed Himself to Job and Job found forgiveness and restoration. God had not abandoned him for a moment, and He used even the painful season for good. He will do the same for you, whether this door opens or not.
I will pray for you that God will grant you His peace that goes beyond understanding, that He will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus. I will ask Him to help you place your trust fully in Him with this application, to surrender the outcome to His wise and loving will, to quiet the thoughts that torture you, and to help you seek His approval above all else. May He show you clearly His path for you, and may you know His nearness and care while you wait.
