Silas
Beloved of All
The pain and anger in your words are heard, and it is right to bring them honestly before God instead of pretending they are not there. What has been done to you through abuse and betrayal is evil, and feeling anger at evil is not itself sin. Jesus Himself showed anger when He saw the house of God desecrated and when hardness of heart kept a suffering man from being healed. Scripture says be angry and do not sin, and do not let anger settle and harden overnight. There is a kind of anger that hates what is wrong, and there is a kind that turns into bitterness, hatred, and a fight against God Himself. That second kind will eat away at you more than those who hurt you.
You can be completely frank with God. He is not fooled by polished prayers. Tell Him exactly how you feel, even the hard words about being sick of Him and feeling punished while others seem to get away with everything. Many people wrestle with God in that way, asking why He allowed this hurt and why He does not immediately punish those who do wrong. The truth is that none of us knows fully what is good for a person in this life, and we do not see as God sees.
It can feel like God blesses bad people and ignores justice. What you are seeing is His patience and mercy in this present time. He warns because He loves and He gives people time to turn to Him and receive His grace and forgiveness while it is still available. That patience is not approval and it is not the end of the story. Scripture is clear that God will judge righteously. No one truly gets away with evil forever. The day of His judgment is coming, and it is a warning given out of love so that people will not face it without Christ.
You also wrote that you feel punished while others take everything. If you belong to God through Jesus, He does deal with His own children more closely than with those who do not know Him, because a child bears the family name and is called to live like a child of God. That discipline is not because He hates you, but because He loves you and is shaping you. And even in that, His hands are far more merciful and gracious than the hands of people. People can be unmerciful and tear you apart. It is far better to fall into the hands of God, who is merciful and ready to wash away sin the moment you come to Him. The enemy wants you to believe God will not receive you so you stay away, but the moment you come honestly to Jesus, He forgives and cleanses.
Under much of the hurt you describe is a deep thirst that everyone has in the spirit to know God and to have fellowship with Him. When that thirst is not met in Christ, frustration grows and other drives, including sexual desire, can feel overwhelming and uncontrollable. God created sexual desire and He placed it within the lifelong covenant of marriage between one man and one woman. Outside of that covenant it does not satisfy the deeper thirst, it only creates more pain, loneliness, and regret. Wanting to be loved and chosen is a real and good desire, but trying to meet it through sex outside of marriage will not heal the rejection you have felt from others and will pull you further from God. Religion tries to reach God through rules, but what God wants is a living relationship with you through Jesus, who came to visit and redeem His people. He invites you to come to Him and drink, to let His Spirit satisfy the thirst that nothing else can.
You are not alone even when it feels that way. God still loves with a love that does not give up, even when people have turned from Him and done great wrong. He desires to restore fellowship with you. The way to Him is through Jesus Christ alone, who died and rose to make forgiveness possible.
If you have not already, turn to Jesus today and put your trust in Him. Tell Him honestly about the anger, the betrayal, the loneliness, and the struggle with sexual desire, and ask Him to forgive you, to be your Lord, and to fill you with His Spirit. Ask Him to help you release the bitterness so it does not take root, to give you strength to live in purity and self control, and to bring justice in His perfect time while you rest in His mercy.
May God meet you in that honesty, show you His mercy in Christ, heal the wounds left by those who harmed you, and give you peace as you learn to live as His child.
You can be completely frank with God. He is not fooled by polished prayers. Tell Him exactly how you feel, even the hard words about being sick of Him and feeling punished while others seem to get away with everything. Many people wrestle with God in that way, asking why He allowed this hurt and why He does not immediately punish those who do wrong. The truth is that none of us knows fully what is good for a person in this life, and we do not see as God sees.
It can feel like God blesses bad people and ignores justice. What you are seeing is His patience and mercy in this present time. He warns because He loves and He gives people time to turn to Him and receive His grace and forgiveness while it is still available. That patience is not approval and it is not the end of the story. Scripture is clear that God will judge righteously. No one truly gets away with evil forever. The day of His judgment is coming, and it is a warning given out of love so that people will not face it without Christ.
You also wrote that you feel punished while others take everything. If you belong to God through Jesus, He does deal with His own children more closely than with those who do not know Him, because a child bears the family name and is called to live like a child of God. That discipline is not because He hates you, but because He loves you and is shaping you. And even in that, His hands are far more merciful and gracious than the hands of people. People can be unmerciful and tear you apart. It is far better to fall into the hands of God, who is merciful and ready to wash away sin the moment you come to Him. The enemy wants you to believe God will not receive you so you stay away, but the moment you come honestly to Jesus, He forgives and cleanses.
Under much of the hurt you describe is a deep thirst that everyone has in the spirit to know God and to have fellowship with Him. When that thirst is not met in Christ, frustration grows and other drives, including sexual desire, can feel overwhelming and uncontrollable. God created sexual desire and He placed it within the lifelong covenant of marriage between one man and one woman. Outside of that covenant it does not satisfy the deeper thirst, it only creates more pain, loneliness, and regret. Wanting to be loved and chosen is a real and good desire, but trying to meet it through sex outside of marriage will not heal the rejection you have felt from others and will pull you further from God. Religion tries to reach God through rules, but what God wants is a living relationship with you through Jesus, who came to visit and redeem His people. He invites you to come to Him and drink, to let His Spirit satisfy the thirst that nothing else can.
You are not alone even when it feels that way. God still loves with a love that does not give up, even when people have turned from Him and done great wrong. He desires to restore fellowship with you. The way to Him is through Jesus Christ alone, who died and rose to make forgiveness possible.
If you have not already, turn to Jesus today and put your trust in Him. Tell Him honestly about the anger, the betrayal, the loneliness, and the struggle with sexual desire, and ask Him to forgive you, to be your Lord, and to fill you with His Spirit. Ask Him to help you release the bitterness so it does not take root, to give you strength to live in purity and self control, and to bring justice in His perfect time while you rest in His mercy.
May God meet you in that honesty, show you His mercy in Christ, heal the wounds left by those who harmed you, and give you peace as you learn to live as His child.
