I feel like I'm being punished by God and my husband. He says I've caused him too much pain and he wants to be free of me. He wants this divorce over now so he can move on. I've made terrible mistakes, but he has failed me as a husband and I never committed adultery like him. I forgave him, but we've continued to have issues that weren't getting resolved. I moved out of desperate hoping it would wake him up. All it did was cause him to harden his heart, file for divorce and date other women. This seems hopeless beyond hopeless. I keep hearing that there's too much hurt and it's over. I truly didn't mean to cause this. I don't want a divorce. I've fasted and prayed and let him alone for months. When I contacted him out of love during the holidays, it made things so much worse. Now he really hates me and said he never wants to see me again. He admitted his heart was hard towards me. I'm so confused if this marriage is even in God's will and I'm fighting a losing battle. Please, Heavenly Father, don't let this divorce go through. Speak to my husband and soften his heart. Why do you allow me to continue to carry so much love in my heart and desire for restoration even after many, many separations and false starts? Am I crazy like my husband says? Lord, I'm as lost as my husband. Only You can heal this mountain of pain and bitterness. I need strong prayers, please. And all the encouragement I can get.
I absolutely love this testimony given by a pastor about one of his flock:
"A man walked into my office many years ago. His wife got on the internet and thought she found 'love.' She got mystified; she filed for divorce in no time and walked out of the house of her husband and two small children to live with a man that she never met. He was broken for a whole week in his bedroom, screaming and yelling at the walls, "How God?! And Why God?! How could this happen?! Why would you let this happen?! My heart is broken, you've got to bring her back! God, how could you let this happen to me?!" Five long days and sleepless nights he screamed like a madman in his bedroom, his life rocked, his world devastated. After five long days, the voice of Almighty God came into his bedroom backed by the presence of an amazing God and he said, "Clarence, would you stop praying that way you don't have a problem." He looked at the ceiling and said, "What? is this some kind of joke?! What do you mean I don't have a problem? I’m holding divorce papers, my children don't have a mother and my wife is in the arms of another man and you say I don't have a problem!!" "Clarence, you don't have a problem, your wife is in trouble, would you pray for her?" He come running into my office, crying so hard and my mind said, 'here we go, this is going to be tough because I've got to preach the gospel that I know.' And he looks at me and says, "Pastor, don't look so alarmed, I'm not crying for me anymore, I've heard from the Lord." He said, I don't have a problem, God is bigger than what has happened. My wife is in trouble." He began to pray and intercede after a quite a long time she came back into town, they got connected, he told her "I love you and I don't see you as if you ever went away. I love you. " They got reconnected and found out she was pregnant not to Clarence and he said, life comes from God, if I've forgiven your sin, then I embrace you and what's in your belly, and I will be the daddy because God is love."
Oh that we would understand that we love not our own lives unto death and because of that, we are untouchable. Oh that we would understand we love not our own lives unto death. What shall I fear, the Lord is my helper, what shall man do to me? God that we would understand. Let go for justification for pain, offenses and hurt, wooo, this is going to be strong...that we step out of the enemy's camp and mindset and emotions and enter yours.
True story about that man, it wrecks me every time I think about it. I had no plan to share it but it seemed important to Holy Spirit. Why am I hurt? Why am I offended if I love? God's arms aren't crossed with his face turned in a scowl saying I can't believe they did that, I can't believe they went there. God is hurting for his children that are lost. Be merciful as I am merciful. Freely you have received, freely give.
Love will break men down and bring them to their knees. I'm telling you all you gotta do is say,
"Lord, I'm willing to take this step of faith and let go of myself tonight. I give up the right to be offended. I give up the right to be vulnerable. Tonight, I sit, kneel, stand before you and say, I love not my own life unto death, give me grace to show me what it means. I surrender to You." Why give transgressions a voice when love covers a multitude of sins. Why would we give it a voice now that the light has come?"
Father, thank you for the freedom to be who you have called us to be. Touch Monica right now with kingdom reality of her becoming love because of Christ who lives in her by Your Spirit. Grow her up in all things in Christ because you have called her an overcomer, triumphant and victorious. Thank you for your love that has been shed abroad in her heart. I pray it would abound more and more and more, flowing and touching lives all around her. the light of the world, the possessor of life because of Christ in her, the hope of glory. In Jesus name. Amen.
