Bleugrll
Humble Prayer Partner
I am writing this with tears in my eyes and a very heavy heart. I am 38 years old, and I have been dealing with this incident for almost 30 years. I grew up very close and affectionate with my mother but not my father. I despised my father for at a young age I saw how he mistreated my mother and I distanced myself from him, I just didn't like the man. He wasn't affectionate with me at all growing up so I guess maybe this incident has scarred me very deeply and it replays in my mind all the time even though I don't have the energy to deal with it somehow it just pops up in my mind and angers me. My father is dead and has been for years so I can't confront him about it but the anger from it has destroyed my mental,emotional, and physical state. I just didn't feel comfortable around him at all so when this incident occurred I repressed it got many years but it still affected me dealing with men. This incident may sound very silly to a lot of people but I am messed up behind it. When I was 9 or 10 years old, I was sitting on the couch watching tv while my parents entertained their guests, my mother walked out the room and it was just my father and their friends on the other couch, my father asked me to get up and leave and til this day I regret it for not doing so, but he started tickling me, it caught me off guard because he never touches me, but he was tickling me so hard that bit hurt and I wanted him to stop because it felt weird and uncomfortable and I had on a little top that seem to keep slipping off of me since I was squirming so much, I tried my hardest to scream stop it!!! But I kept laughing do hard but I was so angry... He just kept going and I kept trying to keep my top up but he just kept going and all this happened as their friends looked on.... I fell on the floor and he finally stopped but I was crushed as I pulled my top up, I felt very violated, he just kept laughing thinking it was so funny when he didn't even have a clue that I was fighting to keep my blouse on... I was humiliated and I know he had to see my blouse coming off but he kept going... My mother was no where to be found and I don't know if she ever knew what happened to me but all I knew was I repressed it as long as I could until my subconscious couldn't hold it anymore.... I deal with this everyday in my mind of this incident replaying itself over and over again, it makes me cry and it upsets me.... I don't like being touched by anyone and it has affected every aspect of my life. Please pray for me.... I am mentally tired of this replaying in my mind I just need to heal so maybe I could get married one day...,
