Lest there be any fornicator, or profane person, as Esau, who for one morsel of meat, sold his birthright. For ye know how that afterward, when he would have inherited the blessing, he was rejected: for he found no place of repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears. Hebrews 12:16-17
I was that profane fornicator. I would do anything for the love of a man back in the day. And that day was not so long ago. I thought that I knew all the ways to convince a guy to marry me- to want to be with me forever. I let them live with me in my home, bought them things (cell phones, cars, shoes, dinners, whatever) and played house with 2 guys so long, that I actually THOUGHT we were married (if you can imagine). Fifteen years with one, 20 years with another. I thought I had something different with Jim- because he invited me to live in HIS home for 3 years as he "courted" me. I thought Jim was THE ONE, because at least this one was married before 3 times, and I met him in church, so surely he wasn't against marriage. It was great for awhile, then as I pressured him to keep his promise, he began to list all the things he thought was undesirable in me, including aspects of my physical appearance. He said he would love me forever, and give me anything I wanted- just as long as I did not want to get married. I was so sad, but I moved out and got my own place. Jim and I have been on and off for awhile now, but he basically does not think I am good enough to be a wife "or somebody would have married you back then."
Well, God certainly did not recognize my actions, either. I have surely lived to regret it as I "sought it carefully with tears." I never married or had children. I ended up with 6 major cases of fibroids that would prevent me from getting pregnant.
Like Jacob, my younger sister understood the blessing of the birthright much better than I. She often says that we were raised in the same household, where my parents were married to each other over 40 years, so she does not understand why it turned out this way for me. My sister does absolutely NOTHING for a guy who is not her husband. She does not cook for them, sleep with them or buy gifts. Men cannot stay in her home other than for a short visit. It is hard to even pin her down to talk to a man. She is not even going to go to any great lengths to put herself together to go out. My sister is only concerned about church and what God thinks. She married, had two lovely children and is a wonderful mother. Unfortunately, because she lives a pure Christian life, two husbands decided they did not want this life and turned away. She is still unmarried, raising her girls, happy and blessed by the Lord.
My days are lived in regret because of the loss of my childbearing years and years wasted filling them with men who could never be my husband. I have to hide my face in shame on Mother's Day, because this is the one day Christians celebrate the life of mothers. I cannot explain it to my church sisters- they ask the question. I say "I had fibroids." They say, "so what, I had fibroids and still had children. You must not like children." Furthest from the truth...
But I gave you this scripture and background to preface a praise report. I prayed to the Lord that he help me resist temptation and try to do things to honor Him and not please myself. So, He gave me a chance. I went out on an actual date yesterday with a guy. He asked to take me out- in the light of day. I did not want him to come to my home (for fear that we would not make it out to eat). I met him at a gas station and followed him to our destination. We went to a Chinese restauraunt and he actually paid for my food. We had great conversation. Of course, he put it out there. I was at the fork in the road, yet again. But I remember my Lord's promise, and knew that He was with me in that moment. So I gave the guy a kiss on the cheek in front of the restaurant and got in my car and drove home. Alone. And went to sleep at 9:00 last night. You would think that as old as I am, I would know better. To be more like Jacob (and my sister). But, even the Israelites had to walk around the same mountain 40 years to get to the Promised Land, I am praising God this morning. Although I may never marry and definitely will not have a family, for once- I can hold my head up and know I can trust God in this thing also. I thank the Lord that He helped me resist the lust of the flesh. God is so good! Maybe one day, He will position me so that Boaz will find me instead of jackass.
Praise the Lord loudly today for the great things He hath done!
I was that profane fornicator. I would do anything for the love of a man back in the day. And that day was not so long ago. I thought that I knew all the ways to convince a guy to marry me- to want to be with me forever. I let them live with me in my home, bought them things (cell phones, cars, shoes, dinners, whatever) and played house with 2 guys so long, that I actually THOUGHT we were married (if you can imagine). Fifteen years with one, 20 years with another. I thought I had something different with Jim- because he invited me to live in HIS home for 3 years as he "courted" me. I thought Jim was THE ONE, because at least this one was married before 3 times, and I met him in church, so surely he wasn't against marriage. It was great for awhile, then as I pressured him to keep his promise, he began to list all the things he thought was undesirable in me, including aspects of my physical appearance. He said he would love me forever, and give me anything I wanted- just as long as I did not want to get married. I was so sad, but I moved out and got my own place. Jim and I have been on and off for awhile now, but he basically does not think I am good enough to be a wife "or somebody would have married you back then."
Well, God certainly did not recognize my actions, either. I have surely lived to regret it as I "sought it carefully with tears." I never married or had children. I ended up with 6 major cases of fibroids that would prevent me from getting pregnant.
Like Jacob, my younger sister understood the blessing of the birthright much better than I. She often says that we were raised in the same household, where my parents were married to each other over 40 years, so she does not understand why it turned out this way for me. My sister does absolutely NOTHING for a guy who is not her husband. She does not cook for them, sleep with them or buy gifts. Men cannot stay in her home other than for a short visit. It is hard to even pin her down to talk to a man. She is not even going to go to any great lengths to put herself together to go out. My sister is only concerned about church and what God thinks. She married, had two lovely children and is a wonderful mother. Unfortunately, because she lives a pure Christian life, two husbands decided they did not want this life and turned away. She is still unmarried, raising her girls, happy and blessed by the Lord.
My days are lived in regret because of the loss of my childbearing years and years wasted filling them with men who could never be my husband. I have to hide my face in shame on Mother's Day, because this is the one day Christians celebrate the life of mothers. I cannot explain it to my church sisters- they ask the question. I say "I had fibroids." They say, "so what, I had fibroids and still had children. You must not like children." Furthest from the truth...
But I gave you this scripture and background to preface a praise report. I prayed to the Lord that he help me resist temptation and try to do things to honor Him and not please myself. So, He gave me a chance. I went out on an actual date yesterday with a guy. He asked to take me out- in the light of day. I did not want him to come to my home (for fear that we would not make it out to eat). I met him at a gas station and followed him to our destination. We went to a Chinese restauraunt and he actually paid for my food. We had great conversation. Of course, he put it out there. I was at the fork in the road, yet again. But I remember my Lord's promise, and knew that He was with me in that moment. So I gave the guy a kiss on the cheek in front of the restaurant and got in my car and drove home. Alone. And went to sleep at 9:00 last night. You would think that as old as I am, I would know better. To be more like Jacob (and my sister). But, even the Israelites had to walk around the same mountain 40 years to get to the Promised Land, I am praising God this morning. Although I may never marry and definitely will not have a family, for once- I can hold my head up and know I can trust God in this thing also. I thank the Lord that He helped me resist the lust of the flesh. God is so good! Maybe one day, He will position me so that Boaz will find me instead of jackass.
Praise the Lord loudly today for the great things He hath done!
