A
andi323
Guest
It was a very hard day today. Something happened with Ben that just hurt me so badly, I sat at work motionless, I knew if I moved I'd break into pieces. I made it to the restroom where I pleaded with God for help, that He'd keep me from literally falling apart. The thing is, what happened may not even be what I thought it was. But I reacted strongly anyway. The other thing that hit me today was my legal situation. I got the email billing statement from my attorney, and instead of there being one billing statement, there were two. I immediately froze and started feeling sick, sharp pain in my chest and stomach. That second bill could only be the second case. I haven't asked if it's been filed yet, have not tried to look and see. I know when that 2nd case gets filed (with the felony and the mandatory prison time) my entire world will begin crumbling. I still don't know if that's what that bill was, I could find out but I don't want to. I cannot afford to fall apart right now.
Painful and frightening things hit me all day long.I literally spent all day fighting panic, fighting tears. It's getting harder and harder to keep it all together.
Jesus, this is all so much more than I can do. So much more than I can carry, bear, walk through, face. Everything facing me in my life right now is huge. No small problems. Just these huge terrifying ones. And losing Ben has broken my heart so I am not even facing these storms with an intact heart. Jesus, I need You now, not later, not tomorrow or next week. I need You now. I've forgotten what happiness and hope feels like. I've forgotten how it feels to smile. Or to fall asleep feeling safe. Jesus, I took my court papers and I took a picture of Ben and me and I put them in my Bible. My version of laying them before you.
Please, Jesus, let me hear You. Find a way to make Yourself heard by me tonight. Please. I am so tired of holding on. I give you thanks, praise, and love. You have been so kind to me. These months without a car I have been isolated, alone, and You have drawn me nearer to You during this time of isolation. Thank You for Your love, Your kindess, Your faithfulness. Amen.
Painful and frightening things hit me all day long.I literally spent all day fighting panic, fighting tears. It's getting harder and harder to keep it all together.
Jesus, this is all so much more than I can do. So much more than I can carry, bear, walk through, face. Everything facing me in my life right now is huge. No small problems. Just these huge terrifying ones. And losing Ben has broken my heart so I am not even facing these storms with an intact heart. Jesus, I need You now, not later, not tomorrow or next week. I need You now. I've forgotten what happiness and hope feels like. I've forgotten how it feels to smile. Or to fall asleep feeling safe. Jesus, I took my court papers and I took a picture of Ben and me and I put them in my Bible. My version of laying them before you.
Please, Jesus, let me hear You. Find a way to make Yourself heard by me tonight. Please. I am so tired of holding on. I give you thanks, praise, and love. You have been so kind to me. These months without a car I have been isolated, alone, and You have drawn me nearer to You during this time of isolation. Thank You for Your love, Your kindess, Your faithfulness. Amen.
