K
kristie
Guest
You should definitely being doing such. God just wants you to take everything to Him, and the only thing you are to express to your spouse is that you love them and the door is open to them. Through unconditional love you express to them, they see Christ. The enemy works on their minds when they are out there, and it is common for the spouse upon deliverance and wanting to reconcile, to feel self condemnation. Satan makes sure they feel self condemnation and tells them that they have done too much, hurt you too deeply, they are not worthy of you and they should just let you go to find someone who would not hurt you. He just makes them feel not good enough to be with you. In confirming your love to him during the stand, you already have your spouse prepared for that attack, in the knowing that you forgive him, still love him despite what he has done, and want him home. The enemy cannot as easily convince him of these negative things, if you have been affirming the love throughout the stand.
My husband was no different. I would tell him I still loved him and the door was open to him, and he would tell me how much he didn’t love me, how much he did love the ow, and hatefully tell me he was getting divorced and marrying her, so deal with it. I got the same kinds of response. When my husband decided it was over, it was over...it was like he hated me and would do things to try to harm me in fact.
However, the fact that I never stopped telling him I loved him and the door was open, was one of the key things that he said in the coming back had affected him the most. That I just would not give up, that I still loved him no matter how horrible he was, and it was what made him realize down the line what true love really was. That no one would ever love him like me, no one would put up with everything he has done like I have, no one would fight for him like I have. He thanked me for never stopping and said that I taught him what love really is, and even if I would not have taken him back at that time, he would have been grateful to me for life because he did recognize what real love was through me and how to show it in return.
Love conquers all things. Love held Christ to the cross, nothing can overcome love. You can take the most bitter hateful person in the world and if you show them nothing but love in response to everything they do, eventually they will break. Abused children that have built a wall around themselves and strike out being as bad as they can be because of their past...if you repeatedly, no matter what they do, give them love they will come around to normalcy again. God works through love...just as He worked through love at the cross for every human being. We are to mimic Christ. If Christ stopped showing love to someone who totally digs in and has rejected Him, then many would never see salvation. He is steadfast and enduring and many hearts are won because of that.
Many spouses do not want to hear us say it, or act like they don’t and that it bothers them, but you just keep it simple and in a tone of not expecting anything in return. Some who have received negative responses to saying I love you, I have told them to not push love on the spouse, discussion of love...that will make them uncomfortable, but when it comes time to hang up or part ways in meeting, just say casually "I love you" and hang up, do not leave any room for response. It is important to let them know...because even if they are rejecting it, it leaves its impression on their hearts.
I don’t think it will hinder the restoration any, God does not need us to do anything to restore.
I just know in my situation, he was not receptive to it and just got hateful back, and the first times I always told him when opportunity arose. The last time he went out, I didn’t tell him. I kept getting strong word from others that I had to tell him I loved him...but that particular time I felt uncomfortable saying it, it was just more extreme then any other time he went out. It was not the first time he went out to another woman, but the others he did not really attach himself to in anyway threatening to me. He moved in with them, but never cared about divorcing me nor had any thoughts of marrying them. This last time however, he was on a vengeance, divorcing me, marrying her.
He had his plans all made out and he was not even contacting me without her ear attached to the phone along with him, listening and mouthing off to me. And she was downright evil, calling me foul names and screaming at me, cursing about my God. All I ever managed to get out was, "What are doing with this woman, listen to her, why are with someone like this, you a Christian man, are you hearing all this?"
It just did not seem appropriate to say "I love you", in the midst of all that out of her and him. But many kept pushing me that I had to tell him. Finally one night in the midst of all that, I did. I kept hearing everyone telling me in my mind, and so I just interjected it. It was six days later he was home.
In counseling it was the number one thing he complained about..that this time I never even tried to let him know I loved him, and even went as far as to say that if I would have made an effort in the first two days, if I would have just one time told him I loved him and wanted our marriage, he probably would have never moved in with her. I had to listen to this complaint for months, defending myself as to feeling I could not say that with all that was going on.
He explained to me that out there and trying to let go of the marriage, it is much easier to let go when you feel like the spouse will be okay, that they are over you and moving on. He also told me how he felt like the best thing he could do for me was to let go...that I deserved much better then him, someone that would never hurt me as he had, that would be good to me as he had not been. He said he came back and actually tried for the next year to fix the marriage, and it took us a year after him coming home to let go of the ow and fully come back home, only because he saw that I was not letting go no matter what he did to me. That it actually made him feel God in the situation, that no one would take the abuse I did from anyone unless it was God helping them.
Yes, I believe God can and will restore regardless, but most restoration testimonies I have heard, the stander kept stating their unconditional love and waiting for the wayward spouse. Some will not have an opportunity to say those things...with some, the stander is cut off from the spouse, no contact. I have found it good policy and also God directed, to affirm the love and open arms to the spouse, that is what Jesus would do. My husband rejected and was hateful in return to those projections from me, but then in the end of things it was his chief complaint, that I had not said it sooner and did not keep saying it. At the time I felt like was a darned if I do, darned if I don’t situation, he wanted it but rejected it when I did, but I also recognize that they are not themselves and they will say one thing and do another often. But we can know that anything positive is of God..that you just cannot go wrong with showing and affirming love to anyone. God is love.
Click also on the following related topic: Winning Without Words
God bless...
Kristie
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