K
Keeshonds
Guest
I am 27 years old and have been dating my boyfriend for about three years. He is age 31 and is a divorced father of three (son age 13, and two daughters ages 8 and 9). I have known him and his kids since the girls were born, as he and his ex-wife were members of a small church that I was very active in at the time. Even more, his younger sister and I were best friends in high school, and she later married my brother! He and his ex-wife divorced almost four years ago, due to her filing for divorce and because of infidelity.
I guess I say all this to try to show how my situation is complicated.
As far as my relationship with him goes, we are best friends and theologically I have never met anybody who could be more compatible. He is hard-working, intelligent, generous, and strives to do what's right. His kids are his life and he does everything he can to raise them well and protect them, even as their parents share 50/50 custody.
The problem in our relationship stems from the fact that he had a vasectomy right after his youngest daughter was born, and says he definitively does not want any more kids. In the same breath, he says he does not want to lose me. We have talked about moving our relationship forward and pursuing marriage, but the issue of my not having the blessing and opportunity has been a barricade. In the past, I would tell him that while I wanted a child of my own, I would rather have him. He, in his wisdom, didn't believe me and would tell me he loves me too much to be the one to take that away from me. We have/had both come to the conclusion that we would have to sacrifice in one way or another: (1) I don't gave kids but marry him, (2) He has his vasectomy reversed and we try to gave a baby even though he doesn't want any more kids but would rather have kids than lose me, or (3) We break up.
We've sort of lived in limbo over this issue for the past year and a half. We will address it, confront it, cry, even give each other space to think and pray about breaking up permanently for weeks at a time, but we've always ended up back together, living the happy parts of our lives and ignoring the issue of having or not having kids of our own.
Flash forward to recent times where his sister (my sister-in-law) and my brother gave birth to a little baby girl at the end of April this year.
Now I am confused beyond belief. He was expecting I'd break up with him after the baby was born since he found out they were pregnant - expecting I'd realize how much I want a baby.
He was right.
Looking back, I don't know that I ever accepted his decision not to have more kids. I thought he would change his mind out of love for me or God would cause him to miraculously change his mind or we would get married and his vasectomy would fail and I'd end up pregnant (I constantly research the odds of this happening - 1:4,000 - not good odds).
I just want one baby. ONE.
But I also want him.
He is my best friend, and if such a thing exists my soulmate. His kids love me and welcome me into their family.
I don't want to lose him, but I am afraid I will regret not having kids or resent him for not giving me a baby of my own.
Every time I visit my brother and hold my baby niece it hits me harder and harder.
I desperately pray for wisdom. I pray God would change my boyfriend's mind, change my desire, or make it clear that He wants me to part ways with my best friend and the man I want to marry.
What do I do?!?!
I appreciate any prayer or counseling you can offer.
God bless,
Christina
(Proverbs 16:9)
I guess I say all this to try to show how my situation is complicated.
As far as my relationship with him goes, we are best friends and theologically I have never met anybody who could be more compatible. He is hard-working, intelligent, generous, and strives to do what's right. His kids are his life and he does everything he can to raise them well and protect them, even as their parents share 50/50 custody.
The problem in our relationship stems from the fact that he had a vasectomy right after his youngest daughter was born, and says he definitively does not want any more kids. In the same breath, he says he does not want to lose me. We have talked about moving our relationship forward and pursuing marriage, but the issue of my not having the blessing and opportunity has been a barricade. In the past, I would tell him that while I wanted a child of my own, I would rather have him. He, in his wisdom, didn't believe me and would tell me he loves me too much to be the one to take that away from me. We have/had both come to the conclusion that we would have to sacrifice in one way or another: (1) I don't gave kids but marry him, (2) He has his vasectomy reversed and we try to gave a baby even though he doesn't want any more kids but would rather have kids than lose me, or (3) We break up.
We've sort of lived in limbo over this issue for the past year and a half. We will address it, confront it, cry, even give each other space to think and pray about breaking up permanently for weeks at a time, but we've always ended up back together, living the happy parts of our lives and ignoring the issue of having or not having kids of our own.
Flash forward to recent times where his sister (my sister-in-law) and my brother gave birth to a little baby girl at the end of April this year.
Now I am confused beyond belief. He was expecting I'd break up with him after the baby was born since he found out they were pregnant - expecting I'd realize how much I want a baby.
He was right.
Looking back, I don't know that I ever accepted his decision not to have more kids. I thought he would change his mind out of love for me or God would cause him to miraculously change his mind or we would get married and his vasectomy would fail and I'd end up pregnant (I constantly research the odds of this happening - 1:4,000 - not good odds).
I just want one baby. ONE.
But I also want him.
He is my best friend, and if such a thing exists my soulmate. His kids love me and welcome me into their family.
I don't want to lose him, but I am afraid I will regret not having kids or resent him for not giving me a baby of my own.
Every time I visit my brother and hold my baby niece it hits me harder and harder.
I desperately pray for wisdom. I pray God would change my boyfriend's mind, change my desire, or make it clear that He wants me to part ways with my best friend and the man I want to marry.
What do I do?!?!
I appreciate any prayer or counseling you can offer.
God bless,
Christina
(Proverbs 16:9)
