A lost soul
Disciple of Prayer
Please pray for my soul. Please pray for my true repentance and faith. Please pray for conviction from the Holy Spirit for me, and a right response to Him.
Below is a series of statements about last night, and yesterday, and the state of life I am in right now. The prayers of a righteous man avails much, maybe I am not too far gone. I hope...
This weekend was supposed to be amazing. I had been wanting to go and see the Milky Way, and maybe Saturn and the other planets, and other such things so as to bolster my belief in God, and come to repentance. This has been a fight for me forever. I've never repented. I've come close so many times, at least I thought; but, never has it happened. I went to some place quite far from where I live, and I did see the Milky Way... and there was a telescope, so I saw Saturn, and the Andromeda galaxy and many other places. On the way there, I listened mostly to Ravi Zacharias on the way to this place, except for the last hour or so. The car was silent, so it was prayer.
I saw beautiful views during the silence and during the prayers. I have been struggling with fear of committing the unforgivable sin. I hadn't heard God's voice in a while, it felt like, ever since I feared I'd finally committed that sin, it felt like. But I'd kept reading my Bible. I had recently read Ezekiel, and the way the world opened up, I was reminded of the beginning verses in Ezekiel where God shows up on His throne, with those creatures with wings around the throne with their 4 different faces, and how Ezekiel responded, and such; and, that verse came to mind in this huge expanse of open-ness, and it was this amazing experience; and ... I thought, maybe God is speaking to me through His word right here. Right now. He hasn't quit on me. He's not done with me. It was beautiful.
I went to the observatory where I saw the stars. That didn't bolster my faith like I had hoped it would. I'm ashamed for the reasons. On the way back to the hotel I was staying at, though, my phone played John MacArthur's sermon on the church at Laodicea. Even in that sermon, It was a show of God offering an apostate church "hey, come to Me, and I'll fix you, even though you're blind, poor, [and so on]." It was like God was speaking to me, since I feared apostasy. Like, I still had a chance. I was awestruck.
Every glimpse of light I've been given, I've always run away from it. Like, I think I'll want it, and I even repent, to a degree, I turn from sin, try to amend my ways, but I've never seemed to trust God.
On the way home, I took a different route. New views. My struggle with space was about "Why would God make all of this just for us?" and "The Heavens declare the glory of God" just didn't seem sufficient, even though it truly should be. I went into a gorge. It was beautiful, amazing, huge. It reminded me of how small I am, and .... just how big God is. More awe. Awe that seemed diminished whenever I sped, I didn't speed as much, and tried to stop it in general, except a few places I'm ashamed of.
I put on The Screwtape Letters, book on tape, for a section of the way home. I finish it before I get home. Parts of it describe my experiences well. I pray.
I get home. I am just so angry at God.
I go to my bedroom and pray, and pass out. I wake up a bit later. Just so much anger at God. Hatred of God, even. I don't even know why I'm angry at him. I'm just angry. I'm angry at how people can be so wonderfully transformed by His power, but not me. I still sit on the sidelines, unable, unwilling to repent. I am so mad about this.
I get in my car and drive, because it seems I can pray best when I'm in the confines of that box.
I wanted to be honest with God. That's what he wants, right? I admit anger and so on.
Later in the drive, I pray again. The car is silent otherwise, this whole drive.
I realize that my every thought at those moments is the unforgivable sin. I can't seem to escape it. My heart is just too angry. Too hard. Too unrepentant. I try to think of a prayer line that maybe I can call. I can't think of any.
I go home. The realization and focus that I am unsavable. That I can't repent. The verses around this state swarm in my head. The "fearful expectation of judgement". I lay in bed. I intend to read my Bible. I want to pray beforehand. This is all I can think about. It makes me nauseous. I lay in bed. I can't bring myself to talk to God. I just lay there.
Below is a series of statements about last night, and yesterday, and the state of life I am in right now. The prayers of a righteous man avails much, maybe I am not too far gone. I hope...
This weekend was supposed to be amazing. I had been wanting to go and see the Milky Way, and maybe Saturn and the other planets, and other such things so as to bolster my belief in God, and come to repentance. This has been a fight for me forever. I've never repented. I've come close so many times, at least I thought; but, never has it happened. I went to some place quite far from where I live, and I did see the Milky Way... and there was a telescope, so I saw Saturn, and the Andromeda galaxy and many other places. On the way there, I listened mostly to Ravi Zacharias on the way to this place, except for the last hour or so. The car was silent, so it was prayer.
I saw beautiful views during the silence and during the prayers. I have been struggling with fear of committing the unforgivable sin. I hadn't heard God's voice in a while, it felt like, ever since I feared I'd finally committed that sin, it felt like. But I'd kept reading my Bible. I had recently read Ezekiel, and the way the world opened up, I was reminded of the beginning verses in Ezekiel where God shows up on His throne, with those creatures with wings around the throne with their 4 different faces, and how Ezekiel responded, and such; and, that verse came to mind in this huge expanse of open-ness, and it was this amazing experience; and ... I thought, maybe God is speaking to me through His word right here. Right now. He hasn't quit on me. He's not done with me. It was beautiful.
I went to the observatory where I saw the stars. That didn't bolster my faith like I had hoped it would. I'm ashamed for the reasons. On the way back to the hotel I was staying at, though, my phone played John MacArthur's sermon on the church at Laodicea. Even in that sermon, It was a show of God offering an apostate church "hey, come to Me, and I'll fix you, even though you're blind, poor, [and so on]." It was like God was speaking to me, since I feared apostasy. Like, I still had a chance. I was awestruck.
Every glimpse of light I've been given, I've always run away from it. Like, I think I'll want it, and I even repent, to a degree, I turn from sin, try to amend my ways, but I've never seemed to trust God.
On the way home, I took a different route. New views. My struggle with space was about "Why would God make all of this just for us?" and "The Heavens declare the glory of God" just didn't seem sufficient, even though it truly should be. I went into a gorge. It was beautiful, amazing, huge. It reminded me of how small I am, and .... just how big God is. More awe. Awe that seemed diminished whenever I sped, I didn't speed as much, and tried to stop it in general, except a few places I'm ashamed of.
I put on The Screwtape Letters, book on tape, for a section of the way home. I finish it before I get home. Parts of it describe my experiences well. I pray.
I get home. I am just so angry at God.
I go to my bedroom and pray, and pass out. I wake up a bit later. Just so much anger at God. Hatred of God, even. I don't even know why I'm angry at him. I'm just angry. I'm angry at how people can be so wonderfully transformed by His power, but not me. I still sit on the sidelines, unable, unwilling to repent. I am so mad about this.
I get in my car and drive, because it seems I can pray best when I'm in the confines of that box.
I wanted to be honest with God. That's what he wants, right? I admit anger and so on.
Later in the drive, I pray again. The car is silent otherwise, this whole drive.
I realize that my every thought at those moments is the unforgivable sin. I can't seem to escape it. My heart is just too angry. Too hard. Too unrepentant. I try to think of a prayer line that maybe I can call. I can't think of any.
I go home. The realization and focus that I am unsavable. That I can't repent. The verses around this state swarm in my head. The "fearful expectation of judgement". I lay in bed. I intend to read my Bible. I want to pray beforehand. This is all I can think about. It makes me nauseous. I lay in bed. I can't bring myself to talk to God. I just lay there.
