Thank you for your prayers...this attack is very severe. I have this heavy heavy feeling of abandonment, hopelessness, and rejection. I have a bottle of over-the-counter sleep medication - basically Benedryl - that I use from time to time when the sleeplessness gets really bad and I'm really tired. I cannot say how many times since yesterday I have heard, just out of the blue, "take them all. Take them all. The pain will stop, it will only continue if you continue. Take them all" - a very clear voice. I'm struggling with strong heavy huge feelings of pain and anger towards Ben, again, causing my prayers for him to be broken and half-hearted. I've spent more time asking God to help me stay alive than praying for Ben. Even right now, when I think of him I feel such pain and anger and hopelessness. I know spiritual attacks often come because our prayers are causing movement in heaven, but I can't even tell myself that right now. I just "hear" that my prayers are useless, are wishful thinking, and are causing my pain. If I let go of praying for Ben, give in to this anger and pain and shut my heart against him to protect myself, then this awful oppression and depression will stop. Is this the enemy attacking my rpayers for Ben? Is this me finally facing the reality that he has walked out of my life? Is this God telling me to stop praying for someone who has hurt me so much? Where is this coming from and why?
My kids were with me from Friday night until about 2 hours ago, now I am completely alone in this house, and I feel like I'm alone with the devil. It's so easy to attack someone who is isolated and alone. I've tried listening to the KLove station I keep on continuously, I've tried to sing some of the songs, to give up praise in spite of this pain. I cannot. I simply cry. I cannot stand the silence right now, and usually being alone and it being quiet does not bother me. Now it feels like a prison.
I turned off the radio and turned on the TV. A religious show was on, and the topic was Hell - a guest speaker was talking about a vision God gave him of hell, to help him work harder at praying for people and telling them about God, saving them from hell. I had to pause it because his descriptions are so horrible, and all I can think of is Ben or my kids being there. Did God want me to turn on that show at that time? Is this Him telling me to continue this spiritual warfare for this man that satan wants so badly? Was this to break my heart even more?
I pray for discernment, clarity. If I can know who is doing this, where it is coming from, and why the Hell show is on TV at this moment, then I can know what to do, how to pray. The pain is so real, it's a physical pain, right in my chest. The only memories or thoughts of Ben playing in my mind are bad ones, painful ones.
Are my prayers making a difference at all?
