I have a long history with spiritual abuse and traumatic experiences at church. I've been posting about how the pastor at the church I recently joined with my mother does not seem to like me at all (the only time he ever seems to be nice to me is when he happens to interact with me while I am fasting which he never knows that I am fasting). I have not done anything to him at all. I have posted before about how I believe there are certain reasons why he is treating me the way he is including gossip from another pastor in the area who I experienced bullying and spiritual abuse from during the short time that I attended the church he is over. There is also the possibility of another pastor I experienced spiritual abuse from gossiping to him as well or at least to this other pastor who gossiped to him. I have had absolutely no positive experiences with any pastor in my life. Ever. And I am not doing anything to them. They just don't like me immediately upon meeting me or other people come and gossip about me or persuade the pastor to mistreat me for whatever reason and then the pastor just mistreats me. For example, at a church I attended as an adolescent, I don't know how he felt about me initially upon meeting me but his wife and daughter just had some sort of problem with me (which they were very covert in hiding, it took me years later to realize how much they disliked me) and next thing you know, he started treating me differently. I couldn't even ask him questions about the Bible or look to him for help when I was being led astray by false teachings. This pastor I'm mentioning here is the third one I mentioned above in my post who I believe is gossiping about me. This experience I had with this current pastor feels like the final straw. I am giving up on the idea of ever knowing what it's like to have a truly supportive pastor to look to for help and guidance.
Pastors
- Thread starter Dhitlor
- Start date
We hear the deep pain and weariness in your heart, and we grieve with you over the wounds inflicted by those who were meant to shepherd you in love and truth. The betrayal of spiritual leaders—those called to reflect Christ’s compassion—cuts especially deep, and we acknowledge how this repeated mistreatment has left you feeling abandoned, unseen, and even targeted without cause. You are not alone in this, and your feelings are valid before the Lord, who sees every tear and every unjust word or action directed toward you.
The Scriptures warn us that false shepherds and wolves in sheep’s clothing exist, and even genuine leaders can fail due to their own brokenness or sin. Jesus Himself rebuked the religious leaders of His day, saying, *"Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! Because you shut up the Kingdom of Heaven against men; for you don’t enter in yourselves, neither do you allow those who are entering in to enter"* (Matthew 23:13, WEB). He also said, *"The hired hand isn’t the shepherd who owns the sheep, so when he sees a wolf coming, he leaves the sheep and runs away"* (John 10:12, WEB). Your experiences reflect a painful reality: not all who claim to represent Christ truly do. But this does not change the fact that *God Himself* is your Shepherd, and He has not abandoned you. Psalm 23:1 declares, *"The Lord is my shepherd: I shall lack nothing."* Even when human shepherds fail, He remains faithful.
We must also address the pattern you’ve described—where pastors seem to turn against you without cause, often influenced by gossip or unseen biases. While we cannot know the hearts of these men, we do know that gossip is an abomination to the Lord. Proverbs 16:28 says, *"A perverse man stirs up strife. A whisperer separates close friends."* If these leaders have indeed allowed gossip to shape their treatment of you, they are in sin and will answer to God for it. However, we also encourage you to examine whether there might be any unintentional behaviors or perceptions on your part that could be misinterpreted—not to blame you, but to ensure that if there is *any* area where the enemy could be exploiting division, it is brought into the light. For example, have you ever expressed frustration or distrust toward pastors in their presence? Sometimes, wounded people (understandably) carry a defensive posture that can be misread, though this in no way justifies mistreatment.
That said, your current pastor’s behavior—being kind only when you fast (a private act he shouldn’t even be aware of)—suggests a performative or conditional "kindness" that is not of Christ. True shepherds love unconditionally, as Jesus did. His favor toward you is not based on your spiritual disciplines but on His grace. If this pastor’s treatment of you is rooted in gossip or prejudice, that is sin, and it is not your burden to "earn" his approval. You are already approved by God through Christ.
At the same time, we gently but firmly urge you not to give up on the Body of Christ entirely. While it is wise to be cautious, isolation is not the answer. Hebrews 10:24–25 commands us, *"Let’s consider how to provoke one another to love and good works, not forsaking our own assembling together, as the custom of some is, but exhorting one another, and so much the more as you see the Day approaching."* The failure of some leaders does not negate the necessity of fellowship. However, it *does* mean you must seek a church where the leadership is accountable, transparent, and grounded in Scripture—not in cliques, gossip, or favoritism.
Here is how we suggest you proceed:
1. **Pray for discernment.** Ask the Lord to reveal whether this current church is a place where you can safely grow, or if He is leading you elsewhere. James 1:5 promises, *"If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him."*
2. **Set boundaries.** If this pastor continues to treat you unjustly, limit your interactions with him and seek spiritual nourishment from sound teachers through books, podcasts, or online sermons. You do not have to submit to abuse.
3. **Seek a healthy church.** Look for a congregation where the leadership is humble, teaches the Word faithfully, and demonstrates the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22–23). If possible, visit other churches without burning bridges, but do not stay where you are continually wounded.
4. **Forgive, but do not forget.** Forgiveness is not excusing sin; it is releasing the offender to God’s justice while protecting your heart from bitterness. Romans 12:19 says, *"Don’t seek revenge yourselves, beloved, but give place to God’s wrath. For it is written, 'Vengeance belongs to me; I will repay, says the Lord.'"*
5. **Clings to Christ alone.** Pastors will fail you, but Jesus never will. He is the Good Shepherd who *"calls his own sheep by name and leads them out... and the sheep follow him, for they know his voice"* (John 10:3–4, WEB).
Now, let us pray over you:
*"Heavenly Father, we lift up Your beloved child before You, who has endured so much wounding at the hands of those who were meant to reflect Your love. Lord, You see every tear, every unjust word, every door slammed shut in their face. We ask that You would bind up their broken heart and replace their despair with a supernatural hope in You alone. Give them discernment, Lord—show them whether this current church is a place of healing or if You are calling them elsewhere. Protect them from further harm, and expose any gossip or hidden sin that has fueled this mistreatment. Father, raise up godly leaders in their life who will shepherd them with integrity, kindness, and truth. Break the cycle of spiritual abuse, and let them encounter pastors who demonstrate the heart of Jesus.
We rebuke the spirit of rejection and betrayal that has pursued them, and we declare that their identity is not in how man treats them but in how You, Lord, see them—as Your beloved, redeemed, and precious child. Heal their trust, but let it be a holy trust, rooted in You first and foremost. If there is any area where the enemy has exploited pain to create division or misunderstanding, bring it to light and redeem it. And Lord, if this child of Yours has ever been tempted to harden their heart toward Your Body, soften it again with Your love. Remind them that while men may fail, You never will.
We ask all this in the mighty name of Jesus Christ, our Good Shepherd, who laid down His life for the sheep. Amen."*
Lastly, we want to leave you with this promise: *"He heals the broken in heart, and binds up their wounds"* (Psalm 147:3, WEB). Your pain is not the end of your story. The Lord is preparing a table for you in the presence of your enemies (Psalm 23:5), and He will restore what the locusts have eaten (Joel 2:25). Do not give up. Keep seeking Him, and He will lead you to green pastures and still waters.
The Scriptures warn us that false shepherds and wolves in sheep’s clothing exist, and even genuine leaders can fail due to their own brokenness or sin. Jesus Himself rebuked the religious leaders of His day, saying, *"Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! Because you shut up the Kingdom of Heaven against men; for you don’t enter in yourselves, neither do you allow those who are entering in to enter"* (Matthew 23:13, WEB). He also said, *"The hired hand isn’t the shepherd who owns the sheep, so when he sees a wolf coming, he leaves the sheep and runs away"* (John 10:12, WEB). Your experiences reflect a painful reality: not all who claim to represent Christ truly do. But this does not change the fact that *God Himself* is your Shepherd, and He has not abandoned you. Psalm 23:1 declares, *"The Lord is my shepherd: I shall lack nothing."* Even when human shepherds fail, He remains faithful.
We must also address the pattern you’ve described—where pastors seem to turn against you without cause, often influenced by gossip or unseen biases. While we cannot know the hearts of these men, we do know that gossip is an abomination to the Lord. Proverbs 16:28 says, *"A perverse man stirs up strife. A whisperer separates close friends."* If these leaders have indeed allowed gossip to shape their treatment of you, they are in sin and will answer to God for it. However, we also encourage you to examine whether there might be any unintentional behaviors or perceptions on your part that could be misinterpreted—not to blame you, but to ensure that if there is *any* area where the enemy could be exploiting division, it is brought into the light. For example, have you ever expressed frustration or distrust toward pastors in their presence? Sometimes, wounded people (understandably) carry a defensive posture that can be misread, though this in no way justifies mistreatment.
That said, your current pastor’s behavior—being kind only when you fast (a private act he shouldn’t even be aware of)—suggests a performative or conditional "kindness" that is not of Christ. True shepherds love unconditionally, as Jesus did. His favor toward you is not based on your spiritual disciplines but on His grace. If this pastor’s treatment of you is rooted in gossip or prejudice, that is sin, and it is not your burden to "earn" his approval. You are already approved by God through Christ.
At the same time, we gently but firmly urge you not to give up on the Body of Christ entirely. While it is wise to be cautious, isolation is not the answer. Hebrews 10:24–25 commands us, *"Let’s consider how to provoke one another to love and good works, not forsaking our own assembling together, as the custom of some is, but exhorting one another, and so much the more as you see the Day approaching."* The failure of some leaders does not negate the necessity of fellowship. However, it *does* mean you must seek a church where the leadership is accountable, transparent, and grounded in Scripture—not in cliques, gossip, or favoritism.
Here is how we suggest you proceed:
1. **Pray for discernment.** Ask the Lord to reveal whether this current church is a place where you can safely grow, or if He is leading you elsewhere. James 1:5 promises, *"If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him."*
2. **Set boundaries.** If this pastor continues to treat you unjustly, limit your interactions with him and seek spiritual nourishment from sound teachers through books, podcasts, or online sermons. You do not have to submit to abuse.
3. **Seek a healthy church.** Look for a congregation where the leadership is humble, teaches the Word faithfully, and demonstrates the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22–23). If possible, visit other churches without burning bridges, but do not stay where you are continually wounded.
4. **Forgive, but do not forget.** Forgiveness is not excusing sin; it is releasing the offender to God’s justice while protecting your heart from bitterness. Romans 12:19 says, *"Don’t seek revenge yourselves, beloved, but give place to God’s wrath. For it is written, 'Vengeance belongs to me; I will repay, says the Lord.'"*
5. **Clings to Christ alone.** Pastors will fail you, but Jesus never will. He is the Good Shepherd who *"calls his own sheep by name and leads them out... and the sheep follow him, for they know his voice"* (John 10:3–4, WEB).
Now, let us pray over you:
*"Heavenly Father, we lift up Your beloved child before You, who has endured so much wounding at the hands of those who were meant to reflect Your love. Lord, You see every tear, every unjust word, every door slammed shut in their face. We ask that You would bind up their broken heart and replace their despair with a supernatural hope in You alone. Give them discernment, Lord—show them whether this current church is a place of healing or if You are calling them elsewhere. Protect them from further harm, and expose any gossip or hidden sin that has fueled this mistreatment. Father, raise up godly leaders in their life who will shepherd them with integrity, kindness, and truth. Break the cycle of spiritual abuse, and let them encounter pastors who demonstrate the heart of Jesus.
We rebuke the spirit of rejection and betrayal that has pursued them, and we declare that their identity is not in how man treats them but in how You, Lord, see them—as Your beloved, redeemed, and precious child. Heal their trust, but let it be a holy trust, rooted in You first and foremost. If there is any area where the enemy has exploited pain to create division or misunderstanding, bring it to light and redeem it. And Lord, if this child of Yours has ever been tempted to harden their heart toward Your Body, soften it again with Your love. Remind them that while men may fail, You never will.
We ask all this in the mighty name of Jesus Christ, our Good Shepherd, who laid down His life for the sheep. Amen."*
Lastly, we want to leave you with this promise: *"He heals the broken in heart, and binds up their wounds"* (Psalm 147:3, WEB). Your pain is not the end of your story. The Lord is preparing a table for you in the presence of your enemies (Psalm 23:5), and He will restore what the locusts have eaten (Joel 2:25). Do not give up. Keep seeking Him, and He will lead you to green pastures and still waters.
We're really sorry to hear about the experiences you've had with pastors and churches. It's heartbreaking to feel unwelcome and mistreated by those who are supposed to love and support us. We want you to know that you are not alone, and we're here to pray with you.
Firstly, we want to remind you that God sees you, He knows your pain, and He is with you every step of the way. Psalm 147:3 tells us, "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Trust that God is working in your life, even when it feels like no one else understands or cares.
We also want to encourage you to keep seeking a healthy church community. It's important to find a place where you can grow, be challenged, and be loved for who you are. Don't give up on the Church entirely, but be wise in where you choose to fellowship. Look for a church where the leadership is transparent, accountable, and grounded in Scripture.
Lastly, we want to pray for you. Would you mind if we lifted your situation up to God together?
Firstly, we want to remind you that God sees you, He knows your pain, and He is with you every step of the way. Psalm 147:3 tells us, "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Trust that God is working in your life, even when it feels like no one else understands or cares.
We also want to encourage you to keep seeking a healthy church community. It's important to find a place where you can grow, be challenged, and be loved for who you are. Don't give up on the Church entirely, but be wise in where you choose to fellowship. Look for a church where the leadership is transparent, accountable, and grounded in Scripture.
Lastly, we want to pray for you. Would you mind if we lifted your situation up to God together?
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