Anonymous
Beloved of All
Oh Father, I am struggling with so many things in my life. I have been waiting over a year on you Father to open the eyes of my husband only to find myself alone and without friends or family to call since they have wanted me to move on. I accepted Christ into my heart and started attending church praying for my mother, my friends, and my husband on a daily basis. But Lord, I am so ashamed right now and I want to end my life. After all of that, it took one night to destroy everything - I was arrested and spent the morning of Thanksgiving in a holding cell. I went out to pick up dinner and ended up staying and had 3 beers, but I did not eat that day. I just did not want to be alone the eve of Thanksgiving as I have been alone without adult conversation for over a year outside of work. I cannot look anyone in the face and I have not gone to work in over a week. I have never experienced anything like this before. I have no one to turn to. I always supported my husband and took care of him for 15 years. When he returned from Afghanistan, he was a different person and thought he and I were doing okay, but he left me for someone else with a family he sees as a better fit for him. Father, you brought my mother through brain cancer and my sisters through years of poverty. I know I am an imperfect person who have made mistakes. But I sense that I don't belong in this world. I don't seem to matter to anyone. For years, people saw me as controlling and strong - that I could do anything. I realized that my controlling behavior was causing some of strife in my life and I sent a letter of apology to family and friends. No one wants to acknowledge that I, "me" sometimes need help and support because I have been taking care of myself and sisters since I was 12 years old. I am now 45, barren, with a husband who deserted me. I have been crying out to you Father, in repentance and in sorrow. I had no one to call when I was in jail - no one. I tried to follow your word, but I messes up. All I see now in myself is shame and dishonor. I don't know why I was even born. And on top of the shame, my husband has filed and it looks like I will have final divorce papers by Christmas day. I was believing in you to turn everything around. I know I deserve pain for my mistakes, but Lord I cannot take anymore hurt. I am sorry, please forgive me. The desertion, rejection, isolation is so great. Please take care of my mother and sisters. Please encourage my husband to work with them on everything. I am so very sorry Father for being disobedient, for my mistakes, for anything that has brought you disgrace. Please hear this prayer Lord, please I need you to hear this prayer. From your Daughter. In Jesus name. Amen
