We are deeply grieved to hear of the brokenness and pain in your marriage, but we are also thankful that you have come before us to seek prayer and godly counsel. The Word of God is clear that marriage is a sacred covenant, a reflection of Christ’s love for His Church, and it is meant to be marked by love, patience, and mutual respect—not hatred, violence, or abuse. The Lord detests such behavior, and it is not His will for your lives. Let us first address the urgency of this situation with truth and grace.
The Bible warns us in Colossians 3:19, *"Husbands, love your wives, and don’t be bitter against them,"* and in Ephesians 5:25, *"Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the assembly, and gave himself up for her."* Likewise, wives are called to respect and submit to their husbands as unto the Lord (Ephesians 5:22-24, 33). But this is not a one-sided command—it is a mutual call to love, honor, and cherish one another in a way that glorifies God. What you are describing is not love; it is sin, and it is destroying the very foundation of what God intended for your marriage. Violence and verbal abuse are not only harmful to your souls but are also an affront to the Lord, who created marriage to be a sanctuary of love and peace.
The apostle Paul also warns in Galatians 5:19-21 that *"the deeds of the flesh are obvious, which are: adultery, sexual immorality, uncleanness, lustfulness, idolatry, sorcery, hatred, strife, jealousies, outbursts of anger, rivalries, divisions, heresies, envy, murders, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these; of which I forewarn you, even as I also forewarned you, that those who practice such things will not inherit God’s Kingdom."* If this behavior continues unchecked, it will not only destroy your marriage but will also bring judgment upon your lives. The Lord is merciful, but He is also just, and He calls His people to repentance.
We must also ask: where is Christ in the midst of this? Is He the center of your marriage, or have you allowed bitterness, pride, and sin to take His place? The Bible tells us in 1 John 4:20, *"If a man says, 'I love God,' and hates his brother, he is a liar; for if he doesn’t love his brother whom he has seen, how can he love God whom he has not seen?"* If you claim to love God but are filled with hatred toward one another, you are living in contradiction to the Gospel. This is a serious matter, and it requires immediate repentance and surrender to the Lordship of Jesus Christ.
Now, we do not say these things to condemn you, but to call you to the truth—that there is hope in Christ alone. If both of you are willing, there is still time to turn away from this sin and seek the Lord’s healing. But this will require humility, brokenness, and a willingness to submit to God’s Word and His Spirit. You cannot fix this on your own. You need Jesus.
First, we urge you to separate immediately if there is physical violence. Safety is paramount, and no one should remain in a situation where they are in danger. Seek help from a trusted pastor, biblical counselor, or a godly mentor who can walk with you through this. If children are involved, they must be protected from this environment, as the damage being done to their hearts and minds is immeasurable.
Second, you must both examine your hearts before the Lord. Are you truly born again? Have you surrendered your lives to Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior? If not, then the root of your problem is a spiritual one. You cannot have a Christ-centered marriage if Christ is not the center of your individual lives. The Gospel is the power of God for salvation (Romans 1:16), and it is the only thing that can transform your hearts. If you have not yet repented of your sins and placed your faith in Jesus Christ alone for salvation, we implore you to do so now. There is no other name by which you can be saved (Acts 4:12).
If you are believers, then you must repent of the sin in your marriage. Repentance is not just feeling sorry; it is turning away from sin and turning toward God. Confess your sins to one another (James 5:16) and to the Lord. Ask Him to break your hearts over the ways you have grieved Him and hurt one another. Then, seek His forgiveness and the power of the Holy Spirit to change.
Third, you must forgive one another. Colossians 3:13 says, *"bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, if any man has a complaint against any; even as Christ forgave you, so you also do."* This is not optional. Unforgiveness is a poison that will destroy you from the inside out. It is only by the grace of God that you can forgive, but you must choose to obey Him, even when it is hard.
Fourth, you must commit to rebuilding your marriage on biblical principles. This will require time, effort, and likely professional biblical counseling. You must learn to communicate in a godly way, to serve one another in love, and to submit to the Lord in all things. Study Scripture together, pray together, and seek the Lord’s will for your marriage. Ephesians 4:29-32 gives clear instruction: *"Let no corrupt speech proceed out of your mouth, but only what is good for building others up as the need may be, that it may give grace to those who hear. Don’t grieve the Holy Spirit of God, in whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, outcry, and slander, be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, just as God also in Christ forgave you."*
Finally, we want to pray for you, but we must emphasize that prayer alone will not fix this. You must act in obedience to what the Lord is calling you to do. Prayer is powerful, but it must be accompanied by repentance and faith.
Let us pray:
Heavenly Father, we come before You with broken hearts, lifting up this marriage that is in such desperate need of Your intervention. Lord, You hate divorce (Malachi 2:16), and You desire for marriages to reflect Your covenant love. But Father, we also know that You hate violence, abuse, and hatred, and these things are an abomination in Your sight. We ask that You would convict both hearts in this marriage of their sin and draw them to true repentance. Lord, if they do not know You, we pray that You would open their eyes to their need for a Savior and that they would turn to Jesus Christ in faith.
Father, we ask that You would bring an immediate end to the violence and abuse. Protect the vulnerable, Lord, and provide a way of escape if separation is necessary for safety. Soften their hearts, Lord, and break them over their sin. Help them to see the damage they are doing to one another and to those around them. Give them the courage to confess their sins to one another and to You, and grant them the grace to forgive as You have forgiven them.
Lord, we pray that You would restore what the locusts have eaten (Joel 2:25). Bring healing to this marriage, but only if it is Your will and only if both are willing to submit to You fully. If there is unrepentant sin, Lord, do not allow this marriage to continue in its current state, for that would only bring more harm. But if both are willing to turn to You, then we ask that You would rebuild this marriage on the foundation of Your Word.
Give them wisdom to seek godly counsel and the humility to receive it. Surround them with believers who will hold them accountable and point them to You. Fill them with Your Spirit, Lord, and produce in them the fruit of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23).
We ask all of this in the mighty name of Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior, who alone can redeem and restore. May Your will be done, and may You be glorified in this situation. Amen.
We urge you to act today. Do not wait. Seek the Lord with all your heart, and do not harden your hearts against His conviction. If you need help finding a biblical counselor or a pastor to walk with you, let us know, and we will do our best to guide you. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18), and He is able to save and restore. But you must turn to Him. May God give you the strength and courage to do so.