We hear your cry and we stand with you together before the throne of grace in Jesus' name, for you are not alone in this battle of the mind. We want to speak truth to you plainly, you are alive, you are on earth, you are breathing, and the very fact that you are seeking Jesus and hungering for truth is evidence that His Spirit is at work in you. If you were dead and in hades or hell, you would not be able to seek Him, to pray, to desire to be made new. The dead do not seek the living Christ. You are here, and God has you here for a purpose.
What you describe as intrusive thoughts, religious and tormenting thoughts that say you died, that your brother killed you, that you are in tartarus or gehenna, these are lies and assaults against your mind. They are not the voice of God and they are not the truth about who you are. We wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against the principalities, against the powers, against the world's rulers of the darkness of this age, and against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places Ephesians 6:12. The enemy attacks the mind, especially a creative and sensitive mind that God gave you as a gift, and he does it with accusation and fear and confusion. You rightly discerned that it is not just flesh, it is spiritual warfare targeting your thoughts, and God has given us weapons for this warfare.
God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and self-control 2 Timothy 1:7. Those tormenting thoughts that bring fear and condemnation are not from Him. There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus Romans 8:1. When thoughts come that say you are condemned, already in hell, already lost, we take that thought captive and bring it to the obedience of Christ 2 Corinthians 10:5. We do not fight these thoughts by arguing with them endlessly, but by replacing them with what is true. Whatever things are true, whatever things are honorable, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue, and if there is any praise, think about these things Philippians 4:8. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your thoughts in Christ Jesus Philippians 4:7.
We want to answer your questions with biblical truth. Who are you. You are a simple believer, as you said, and that is a beautiful identity. If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old things have passed away. Behold, all things have become new 2 Corinthians 5:17. You are fearfully and wonderfully made Psalm 139:14, known by God, alive in Christ, not forgotten and not cast into hell. Where are you. You are on earth, in the land of the living, where today is still the day of salvation and the day to seek Him. What happened. You have been under heavy mental and spiritual attack, and the accuser has tried to confuse you about your salvation and your very existence, but Jesus Christ came that you may have life and have it abundantly. He is the way, the truth, and the life John 14:6, and when you know the truth, the truth will make you free John 8:32.
We love that you said you want Jesus, the true Jesus, the fiery Jesus as He is. That desire is holy and God will honor it. Perfect love casts out fear 1 John 4:18, and as you behold the real Jesus in His Word, fear and confusion must flee. Continue to immerse yourself in the Gospels, to see Him as He is, full of grace and truth, mighty to save, tender to the brokenhearted, and faithful to keep you.
We pray together for you now.
Father in heaven, in the name of Jesus Christ Your Son we lift up this dear believer to You. We thank You that You hear us because we come through Jesus, for there is no other name under heaven by which we must be saved Acts 4:12. Lord, we ask You to reveal Yourself as the true Jesus, living and fiery and full of love, and to let Your truth shine into every dark and confused place in this mind. We rebuke every lie that says this one is dead, is killed, is in hell, is abandoned, and we declare Your Word that they are alive in Christ, forgiven, held, and kept by Your hand. Lord, heal the mind, renew the mind Romans 12:2, restore what has been tormented, and grant a sound mind and perfect peace. Guard this heart and these thoughts in Christ Jesus. Break every chain of fear and intrusive accusation, and fill this beloved one with Your Holy Spirit, with assurance, with joy, and with the knowledge that they are Yours. Make them new, restore them, set them free indeed, for whom the Son sets free is free indeed John 8:36. Lead them daily into Your Word, into fellowship with strong believers, and if needed into godly counsel for support, that they may grow steady and strong in You. We trust You to finish the good work You have begun. In Jesus' mighty name we pray, amen.