We hear the deep anguish in your heart, and we want you to know that you are not alone in this struggle. The pain you’re carrying—the hatred toward yourself, the despair over lost love, the battle with suicidal thoughts, and the feeling of being torn between obedience and rebellion—are all things that weigh heavily on your soul. But we praise God that even in this darkness, you are still crying out to Jesus, still talking to Him, still hearing His voice. That is evidence He has not let you go, and He never will.
You said you know what you’re supposed to do, yet you feel powerless to shake the feelings that bind you. This is a spiritual battle, and the enemy is using your pain to keep you trapped in cycles of self-loathing and disobedience. But Scripture tells us that *"No temptation has taken you except what is common to man. God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but will with the temptation also make the way of escape, that you may be able to endure"* (1 Corinthians 10:13, WEB). Even now, God is providing a way out—but you must choose to take it.
The love you lost has become an idol in your heart, and the grief over it has become a chain. Jesus warned that *"where your treasure is, there your heart will be also"* (Matthew 6:21, WEB). If your heart is still clinging to what was lost, it cannot fully cling to Christ. This doesn’t mean your pain isn’t real—it is. But it does mean that healing will only come when you surrender this to Him completely. You cannot serve two masters (Matthew 6:24). Either you will hold onto the past and remain in bondage, or you will lay it at His feet and let Him restore you.
You also mentioned the struggle with sobriety and the pull to disobey even when you know God’s promises. This is the flesh warring against the Spirit (Galatians 5:17). The apostle Paul understood this battle: *"I don’t understand what I do. For I don’t practice what I desire to do; but what I hate, that I do... For I delight in God’s law after the inward person, but I see a different law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity under the law of sin which is in my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will deliver me out of the body of this death? I thank God through Jesus Christ, our Lord!"* (Romans 7:15, 22-25, WEB). The answer is Jesus. Not your willpower, not your own strength, but *His* power working in you. You must daily—moment by moment—choose to die to self and live for Him (Luke 9:23). When you feel the pull to disobey, cry out to Him *immediately*. He will give you the strength to resist.
As for the suicidal thoughts, we must speak truth to you: *Your life is not your own.* You were bought with a price (1 Corinthians 6:20), and Satan wants to destroy you because you belong to Christ. But Jesus said, *"The thief only comes to steal, kill, and destroy. I came that they may have life, and may have it abundantly"* (John 10:10, WEB). Those thoughts are not from God. They are lies from the enemy, and you must reject them in the name of Jesus. When they come, declare Scripture over yourself: *"Why are you in despair, my soul? Why are you disturbed within me? Hope in God! For I shall still praise him for the saving help of his presence"* (Psalm 42:5, WEB).
Now, let us address something critical: You said you talk to Jesus every minute of the day, and that is *wonderful*. But we notice you did not invoke His name in this cry for help. There is power in the name of Jesus—*salvation* is found in no other name (Acts 4:12). When you pray, when you wage war against the darkness, when you resist temptation, you *must* do it in His name. It is not enough to simply talk to Him; you must stand *in His authority*. Jesus said, *"Most certainly I tell you, whatever you will bind on earth will have been bound in heaven, and whatever you will release on earth will have been released in heaven"* (Matthew 18:18, WEB). You have the authority to bind the spirits of depression, suicide, and rebellion *in Jesus’ name* and command them to flee. Use that authority.
Lastly, your hatred for yourself is not from God. You are His child, fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). When you hate yourself, you are agreeing with the accuser, who wants you to believe you are beyond redemption. But God says *"I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you"* (Jeremiah 31:3, WEB). Repent of this self-hatred. Ask God to show you how He sees you—redeemed, forgiven, and *loved*.
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**Let us pray for you:**
Heavenly Father, we come before You on behalf of Your beloved child, who is broken, weary, and trapped in a storm of despair. Lord, You see the depths of their pain—the grief over lost love, the hatred turned inward, the battle with temptation, and the relentless assault of suicidal thoughts. But You are greater than all of this. You are the God who *restores*, who *redeems*, who *breaks every chain*.
We bind the spirits of depression, self-hatred, rebellion, and death *in the mighty name of Jesus*, and we command them to flee. We loose the peace of God, the joy of the Lord, and the strength of the Holy Spirit to flood every broken place. Father, remind them that they are *Yours*—that their life has purpose, that their pain is not wasted, and that You are working all things for their good (Romans 8:28).
Lord, they have been clinging to the past like an idol. We ask You to break that grip. Help them to surrender this lost love entirely to You, to release it into Your hands, and to trust that You will fill the emptiness with *Yourself*. You are the only love that satisfies. Heal the wounds in their heart, Lord. Replace the memories that torment them with Your truth.
Strengthen them in sobriety, Father. When the pull to disobey comes, let them *immediately* cry out to You. Fill them with Your Spirit so they walk in victory, not defeat. Remind them that obedience is not a burden but the path to the very promises You’ve spoken over them.
We declare that *no weapon formed against them shall prosper* (Isaiah 54:17). The suicidal thoughts have no place in their mind. We speak *life* over them—abundant life in Christ. Let them see themselves as You see them: forgiven, cherished, and *worth dying for*.
And Lord, we thank You that they *are* talking to You. But we ask that You deepen their understanding of the *power* in Your name. Teach them to wield it like a sword, to pray *in Jesus’ name* with boldness, to stand in the authority You’ve given them. Let them know that they are not begging a distant God—they are *commanding* the enemy to flee in the name of the One who has already won the victory.
Fill them with Your presence right now, Lord. Let them feel Your arms around them. Dry their tears. Renew their hope. And lead them, step by step, into the light of Your love.
We pray all this *in the mighty, matchless name of Jesus Christ*, our Savior and Redeemer. Amen.
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**A word of encouragement:**
You are in a war, but the battle belongs to the Lord (1 Samuel 17:47). The fact that you are still fighting, still praying, still reaching out—even in your weakness—is proof that God is not done with you. He is refining you in the fire, and though it is painful, He is making you *stronger*.
Start each day by putting on the full armor of God (Ephesians 6:10-18). Pray *out loud*. Worship even when you don’t feel like it. Fill your mind with Scripture. And when the enemy whispers lies, *speak truth back to him*. For example:
- *"I am not defined by my past. I am a new creation in Christ."* (2 Corinthians 5:17)
- *"God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind."* (2 Timothy 1:7)
- *"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."* (Psalm 34:18)
Lastly, *find biblical community*. You were not meant to walk this alone. Seek out a church where the Word is preached boldly, where you can be discipled, and where you can be held accountable. If you are struggling with sobriety, find a Christ-centered recovery group. Surround yourself with believers who will fight for you when you feel too weak to fight for yourself.
You *can* walk in victory. But you must choose, every single day, to surrender to Christ. He is worth it. And *you* are worth His love. Keep going. He is with you.
Prayer Focus: God, Thank You for loving me. God, I ask You in Jesus’ name please bless me with everything that I stand in need of and everything You want me to have. 
May God in Jesus' name answer your prayer request for healing according to God's perfect love, wisdom, will, timing, grace, and mercy. Thank You Jesus!!!
