Sloaway
Disciple of Prayer
I am a teenage girl so this may seem silly. When I was about 14 I went through mental anorexia and starved myself to the point that I lost 20kg. Now I'm 18 and gained most of it back. I hate it. I hate my body. I can never feel beautiful and feel inferior to all my friends. My friends are gorgeous. I would give everything to look like them just for a day. I can't seem to lose weight no matter how hard I try. I can't accept myself. I have so many pimples, dark circles under my eyes. All I can see are imperfections. I feel like a fat friend that people keep around so their flaws just seem silly compared to mine. I am a rather cheerful person. I have to be. I need to be funny and interesting or people won't even look my way. I'm so disgusting. I eat like once or twice a day yet I can't seem to lose weight. I do cardio every day. It's pointless. I'm not sure if I'm praying for weight loss or venting. I just want to be able to look in the mirror and feel beautiful. I want to be beautiful. My friend one time joked about having a bloated belly after eating. However, I envied that belly. It was so small compared to mine. Even in the morning when your stomach is the flattest, my belly is huge and disgusting. I try to make everyone laugh, I try to be a good person but it's so exhausting when I know that I am so disgusting. I have a loving boyfriend but then again I feel like he is with me only because I seemed like an easy target for him. I'm not special. Sure I'm good at Chemistry and English but that's it. School isn't everything. I'm practically useless. Today is Saint Jiří in my country. All scouts got dressed up in uniforms. Including me. However, the scout's shirt is too big for me and I felt huge in it. Absolutely disgusting. I'm not sure how long I can go on like this. I'm willing to starve myself again. I was so happy when I starved. Now I'm 18 and I'm 156 cm tall and I weigh almost 80kg. That's horrible. I just want to be skinny, to be beautiful. My friends are being treated so nicely compared to me. When I was somewhat skinny people treated me like a person. However, when you are fat people treat you like trash.