K
kristie
Guest
I know that maybe right now and at moments here and there that is hard to connect with in your emotions and spirit. You have a lot on your plate with this double affliction. I am sure you feel overwhelmed at times and you do sit and wonder why, what is wrong here. The accuser is always prompt to point the finger at you also when there is so much coming at you. But know that this is just the enemy and you do not deserve this and did nothing to warrant this. You are a royal princess in the Kingdom of God and with that comes all good things, good health, prosperity, love, a royal inheritance.
I hear people say all the time that they just cannot love this person anymore or fight for them because they cannot bear the fact that they cheated on them, that this was too much or too far, cut too deep. I just shake my head when I hear that because been there and done that seven times over, and my own husband has said such horrible things to me that they actually have caused some complexes in me that I struggle with to this day. It is not a thinking or feeling of being better then them, that they cannot forgive and overcome one time where I have seven, but a thinking and feeling that this person really has no idea how much they really can bear with God and how much forgiveness God can pull out of them if they would only let Him. The real problem is in the person not wanting to make the effort, not what the spouse did to them. I am sure that this is something you can relate to yourself since you have had so much thrown at you and you have been bearing it thus far.
I understand how you feel and I understand that sometimes, many times, you find yourself sitting and wondering what is wrong with you that there is so much loss and pain that seems unending. I have had the accuser try to convince me that I deserve this fate and sometimes even try to convince me that I am just pure delusional about God and that I truly do not belong to God because nothing seems to fit. All the promises of good health and prosperity never seem to be for me, so what can that mean?....maybe I am not included in that promise because I am not really His. I know what the enemy tries to place in your mind and heart. It is all lies however, we know that.
I don’t know why, that some seem to come under heavy artillery of the enemy, or maybe not even affliction of the enemy but just things in life that are allowed by God for a purpose. I can only really speculate because until that day comes when God reveals His total purpose, we just cannot know. However I can stand back and look at the whole picture and speculate that for myself, there has been this ministry. Sometimes I think all my own affliction, which seems unending, stems from the ministry, that I just have Satan really mad and determined to take me down, I am a threat to him and therefore a prime target.
You have a great deal, as daughters of the living God, to give to so many others. You have a ministry for the kingdom. Satan does not want that ...that is a big thorn in his side, so he tries to keep one in yours too in hopes that you will just quit. That is what I have speculated about myself, that like Paul, the struggle is a thorn in my side.
We remember that Paul sought God about removing the thorn and God told Paul that His grace was sufficient. In reflection of this, it was not really the answer I wanted to hear, but one day I was pondering on that, of course thinking of the unfairness of that as we humans tend to do and grumbling about it, and a realization came over me. Its kind of a mood of the moment kind of thing, you are thinking and grumbling in present tense and thinking, telling God, that you just don’t think you can handle this, an overwhelming moment.
It hit me that there was more then the present, that I had been bearing this for a long time now (not like I had forgotten that mind you, but it hit me how silly it seemed that I was saying I could not bear this anymore when I have been bearing it and Gods grace has been sufficient for me to do so..and here I am telling God that I cant...still). And then I started thinking about what I really had accomplished because so many will not try to serve God at all, let alone with a thorn in their side.
I realized how much I really do honor God, that I have kept going on (despite grumbling along the way) and refused to give in to Satan, refused to pull the thorn out myself (just leave/stop the ministry and possibly go in peace no longer a threat to Satan). As much as I have grumbled and even pitched little fits at times, felt complete despair, something inside me has made me hold on furiously fast to God and serving Him. I thought about how I could have for so long simply went the way of the world, not prayed for this marriage this last go round and let my husband run his own course (not helping him tear it down completely but not fighting to stop that either and letting be whatever came), and then moved on to a better life with someone else who would be a help to me and my situation, a worldly improvement.
I had those choices as much as anyone else. I can honestly say that I feel that God would have blessed me either way in the end, because I have fought a long time and God knows my heart, how hard and long I had fought. I truly believe that all accountability would have been upon my husband at this last point. There came a point where God Himself told me enough was enough, seven years, so many adulteries, and regardless of the outcome it would be blessed for my labor of so long. But something within me held me tight to honoring Gods word rather then myself. I realized that despite all my grumbling, weariness, sometimes feelings of hopelessness, that I had actually chosen this....and that felt so good...yes good.
What am I really trying to express here, because I know this probably may not be making complete sense. It is a perspective thing I guess. I walk through everyday grumbling about my situation, tending to focus on the points of either Satan is afflicting me and God does not seem to be doing anything about it, or that God must not love me because He is allowing all this to be upon me, or I must have done something to deserve this affliction because it seems endless and God does not seem to remove it from me.
That day, in pondering it all, it hit me that I actually chose to bear it, and more so that I still do choose to bear it, and more importantly is that Gods grace has indeed been very sufficient because I have bore it all this time. It was not about how much I feel God should love and honor me because I am one of His own, but how much I have loved and honored God by holding onto the thorn and persevering against the enemy, refusing to let the enemy win...how much God has pulled out of me to accomplish that....and that is an awesome.
I realized how the grace of God itself that carries us through and helps us to bear up is miraculous and blessed. That everyday, when we are in the midst of walking through that day, may feel like a overwhelming struggle....but when you stop and look back at all the days you have overcome with Gods grace and you did walk through and come out of and into a new day...that is awesome. You reflect on way back there on that day I said I could not bear another day...but I did bear it and it is way back there now, and there are a lot of those 'could not bear it' days back there behind you. It is kind of a glorious vision when you stop and look back at them.
Lets face it, we are human and we take great pride in accomplishment, and I think it is good, and God wants us to reflect back and say, "I did that!". It is just kind of a revelation for me in looking back...like God is standing beside me and looking back and saying, "Kristie, look back there and see what all you have bore and come through with my grace to help you, what is there that you cannot bear and overcome in your love and honor of me?" And there is a pride in that, a real sense of accomplishment, and it is the rewarding perspective. Instead of focusing on the affliction of the day I am in (which I still do), I also can focus on the fact that I have run all that race behind me victoriously and I will this one too, and all those that are ahead me still to be run. I will bear up because Gods grace has been sufficient and it will continue to be sufficient, and I am proud of myself that I have held onto the thorn and allowed Gods grace to be sufficient...that is awesome.
So it is not that you deserve this affliction, it is that you deserve the grace to bear the affliction and the 'honorable' pride and joy of realizing your strength and victorious accomplishments in the Lord. You do not deserve the overwhelming oppression of the day you are in, but you deserve the reward of being able to stand in amazement and glory of looking back at all of them and knowing you overcame each and every one victoriously. The realization that you are indeed a royal princess and that you kicked each days butt and will kick each days butt to come. You deserve to know that through all the silences and seemingly nothingness of each day, that Gods power and strength sustained you and held you up, that you did walk on water and that you can through each and every storm.
Gods greatest miracles are not always seen with the naked eye. He has been there all along, right beside you each and every day. He was so quiet because He was so busy working on the inside instead of on the outside of things. You deserve the 'honorable' pride that God was your first love no matter what and that God is smiling at you with love and honor because of that. There is no more warming and rewarding thought to me then my Father smiling at me and thinking that I am beautiful and He is proud of me. That is how I felt when I pondered it all, I could feel Him smile as He showed me all I had overcome in my love of Him, that my love for Him had superseded my love for anyone including myself. That is an awesome feeling sis...and you deserve that feeling as well. It can only come by what you overcome each and every day with Gods grace....and that puts a whole different perspective on it.
On a last note, your husband is not happy with the other woman. In fact he is walking into a great misery time, a bitter time. Some things are of Gods orchestration...even things that feel painful to us. God has to position your husband for that misery, the bitter as gall. So many standers fall apart when they find out the spouse has moved in with the other person, or is moving off to be by the other person. All they feel and think about it is their own fleshly jealousy and pain over that. But for that person to become as bitter as gall, the spouse really has to be put in that persons true environment, be locked into that persons true environment, as that is where all facades will come down and the real inner person will come forth.
The saying that you really do not know someone until you live with them is true. It is easy for Satan to put up a false and wonderful front of an adulteress when the spouse is in a courting phase with them. But as holds true with everyone, put them together 24-7 in a contained area and that is when all the false walls come down and the real person comes out. So when a spouse moves in or takes off with the other person, God is just positioning them for all that bitter to come out. My husband thought all the other women were wonderful until he moved in with them.
God knows what He is doing sis, just trust in Him. You are a survivor and you will blossom forth strong and formidable, you just wait and see.Kristie
