A
Anonymous
Guest
I lack confidence, and it’s getting worse. I will tell myself that I’m stupid and worthless. Over the years, I have failed at everything. I’ve never been married nor had any children. Therefore, I’ve never been successful in relationships. I stopped dating for 14 years believing God would bring me my mate. A few years ago I was homeless. During this time, I met someone who I believed was the person I was waiting for; it only turned out that I was wrong. This person had a cocaine addiction, which I didn’t find out about until much later. Anyway, I was the one who found a job and got us off the streets. I also found us a place to live and put food on the table. I was with this person for seven months, and he never worked or offered to pay any bills. Well, I didn’t find out until seven months later that he had a drug habit. I kicked him out as soon as I found out about his addiction. (He wasn’t willing to go into rehab.) More recently, I have a friend who I’ve known for about ten years. Around October of last year, he told me that he wanted more than just friendship. On September 2, 2010, his mother went into the hospital, and on December 16, 2010, she passed away. He was very close to his mother. He put his live on hold to take care of her, which is why he never married or had any children. My friend has taken his mother’s death very hard. There are so many obstacles for us to get through to be together. Not only is he grieving for his mother, but since her death, he has had severe back pain. He really needs surgery but can’t afford it. He’s also self-employed so he can’t take time off from work for the surgery and recovery. There’s nobody to take care of his business and him. We live on opposite sides of the country, so I can’t be there for him, and by the way, it’s just another obstacle. Anyway, he has thrown himself in his work and basically put some distance between us. Well, letting my insecurities get the best of me, I pushed too hard and haven’t heard from my dear friend in three weeks. Losing this friendship is very painful because his friendship meant so much. In other areas of my life, I’ve never been successful with a career or in finances. I’ve struggled my whole life financially, never able to take care of myself. I went to college thinking it would put me in a better position to succeed, but it only backfired. I was never able to find a job that could put me in a more secure financial position. I’m in debt over my head, making the same amount of money that I did before I graduated college, and still can’t take care of myself. My emotional pain is so great. I can’t even put it into words. I’ve always seek God, always trusting and believing, but after 46 years of believing, I’m just very hurt by God I have always tried to listen to God and do things to improve myself and put myself in better positions so I can succeed. I’ve been told that I feel sorry for myself. I disagree with this because if I felt sorry for myself, I would not be able to get through college to try to make things better for me, and I also wouldn’t be strong enough to handle homelessness. I’m tired of NOT getting anywhere. I’m 46 years old. If I was meant to live my live alone, so be it, but at least let me make enough money to be financially secure, not rich, but just financially secure. If I’m not meant to have a live that is financially secure then at least let me have someone in my life to really love me unconditionally, EVERYONE DESERVES to be LOVED. I’m not asking to have things handed to me. I’m not even asking to have everything, money, the perfect live, love, happiness, etc. I’m just asking God to love me enough to give me a break, give me something… But, apparently, God doesn’t believe I deserve to have anything, not any type of happiness or peace… God will always give me just enough for me to survive and not really succeed. This is what truly hurts…
