mew415
Servant of All
God, I must accept my suffering. However, I am very fearful of your will for me. I am a selfish and sinful human. I can't even comprehend how you still love me regardless of my flaws, but I am your own creation. You are controlling my life. I want to bring you glory Father. But I am very fearful of my life. I am afraid of failing. But your plan is absolute. I am very confused Lord. Lead me. Change my heart to understand. God, my heart is so broken. I love KGT, and I miss him SO much. His absence from my life is ruining me. Absolutely ruining my perception of my life, my goals, my attitude, my relationship with you.... everything. Why is this still happening? Even after almost 4 months. I am still SO broken hearted. I am STILL so hurt. I am having a really hard time sitting here idle waiting for your answer. God, is this your plan for me? To be alone and miserable? I know that everything that happens in my life is for the greater good. But why is it good that I suffer? What am I REALLY supposed to be learning? Is this for me? Or for KGT? God, I know you are in control, i know you want us to ask you for the things we desire, but, I'm really starting to feel that my prayers don't matter. That the desires in my heart don't matter. This is how I feel. God, I can't ignore my feelings, or the dreams you give me at night. They give me hope! But I am afraid that they are just teasing me more. That I won't really be given what is it I see, or feel. I feel that I will continue to be in this perpetual pain. Is this your will for me? I offer my suffering up to you Lord. Because it is your will for me to be hurting like this for so long, so I must accept it and endure it. For it is for the greater good. I just hope my prayers of petition and when I pour out my heart to you telling you what I want (KGT) that you can have pity on me and give him back to me quickly. I hope my prayers can change your heart and bring him back to me. God, I want to honor you through KGT. I want to Love you through KGT. I want to spread your good word to our children, and their children, and then their children. I want to glorify you for your great workings... when you give KGT back to me Father, I know it will be for the greater good and I will let you guide me. But God, please help me. Help me be ok with whatever your answer is. Help me be comforted knowing you love me despite my flaws and failures. I want to know you God. I want to call you friend and father. I want to trust in you. I want to want what you want for me Lord. I just want to let you know that I accept my suffering because I understand now that it is for the greater good. My heart is humbled today. I am just so afraid Father, that the desires in my heart are a lie. My want to be with KGT for the rest of my life as his wife and the mother of his children to love him and for him to love me, to honor and glorify you through our bond in unity, I am afraid that this desire is a lie. I am afraid it's phony and fake, and that I"m just hurting myself. But my actions are your actions. I am just so confused, and I just wanted to let you know. I"m afraid. But, I accept my suffering. I'm trying to be ok with whatever you bring me to or who you bring in my life to be my husband. I am ready to receive the gift of love, a husband, a family, I feel I am ready, but maybe I'm not. Maybe that person you are holding for me is not ready... I will never know. I need to be ok with that too. I just feel that... I'm giving up. You are in control Father. And I fearfully, sorrowfully accept it. Thank you Father. I pray through Christ Jesus for my petitions, your will be done. Amen.
