Getting Over The Other Person
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me - put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. Philippians 4:8-9
We recently received a panic email that was not unlike the wording of many we receive. This person's spouse was on the way home, right then. They did not know what to do next. Charlyne and I share on this topic in books, in audio teachings and here in Charlyne Cares, but some people are so focused on their current problems they cannot prepare for restoration and are shocked when it happens. My goal today is to wake you up to one of the major stumbling blocks to the healthy restoration of a marriage relationship after God brings the prodigal home.
How does a returned prodigal get over the other person? You, as a person standing with God for His restoration of your home, can make or break the restoration process, depending on how you deal with the other person issue.
The heart of the discerning acquires knowledge; the ears of the wise seek it out. Proverbs 18:15
Let’s start with the facts. You may not like them, and you may not agree, but once you have walked the walk with your spouse, away from the other person, your "Amen" will come.
•
Getting over the other person takes time. Your spouse must go through a grief process, measured not in days or weeks but possibly one or two years. Yes, a grief process, just as if someone had died. Until you can allow your spouse to grieve the other relationship, you are not ready for restoration because, quite frankly, it will not work otherwise.
•
Regardless of what they say, most prodigal spouses, have another person. Please be prepared for the day when that is revealed to you about your prodigal.
•
Your prodigal cannot tell the difference between love and lust.
•
Most prodigal relationships become sexual at some point, regardless of what message is being passed back to home.
•
Your prodigal does have feelings for the other person. After they come home, they will sense a tremendous obligation to the other person.
•
The other person is there, even after your mate’s homecoming. After restoration, you cannot stuff that individual in a closet and expect them to evaporate.
•
The other person is a sinner for whom Jesus died. Are you praying for their salvation now? Will you, personally, continue to pray for their salvation after your prodigal spouse is home?
•
Your returned prodigal will bring home reminders of that other relationship. I have written about how long I had a photo of the other woman behind the visor in my van. One day God told me the photo had to go.
•
Your returned prodigal may attempt to justify their sin.
•
Eventually, your returned prodigal may need to talk to someone about the other person. It could be a counselor or pastor. It could be you, but it cannot be the other person! That is when trouble starts all over again.
Someone is thinking, “So why try?†Because God has called you to stand, both before and after restoration. Both periods are the identical spiritual battle, but if God has called you to it, He will provide the help from on high that you need.
Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen. 1 Peter 5:9-11
The chain of events in too many marriages where the spouse has come home is as follows:
1. God uses circumstances to drive (yes, drive) the prodigal home.
2. The stander adopts an “I have arrived†attitude and slacks off on praying protection on their returned spouse.
3. The front door of that home is then opened for Satan to come in once again.
4. The other person re-enters the picture.
5. The returned prodigal leaves for the far country once again, leaving the stander asking, “What happened?â€
What happened is that the enemy, always on the prowl, discovered an entry, be it ever so small, and being intent on destroying your marriage, has attacked once again.
We have been remarried for over 23 years after our divorce, and neither I nor Charlyne feel that we have arrived. God’s restoration is an ongoing process, even to this day. Neither of us feel we are immune from Satan’s attacks. I may be a lot wiser, but I am as susceptible to Satan’s attacks as I was on the day we remarried.
What does “susceptible to†mean? The dictionary gives the meaning as “capable of.†Do you get it? Since I am still capable of sin where another person is involved, Charlyne prays and fasts more today for me, for all our family and for all standers, than she was doing when we remarried.
So what is the bottom line for getting over the other person? For the stander, it is never stopping praying, putting the Armor of God on your returned spouse and on every family member. Today, tomorrow and forever. It will take time for your returned prodigal to get over that person. When I first returned, everything I saw, read and did reminded me of the other woman. Gradually, with Charlyne’s prayers and with time, those intense grief emotions began to subside.
For the prodigal, it means no contact with the person you are attempting to get over. If there is a non-covenant child involved, ask God to show you how to work out the no contact with the other person; you cannot visit where you used to live in sin, sitting around with the other person, under the guise of visiting your non-covenant child. If you do, you are dropping a lighted match into a gas can that will explode the marriage you are attempting to rebuild.
By all means, the prodigal is responsible for any non-covenant child born to another person. The prodigal is responsible emotionally, spiritually as well as financially. He or she must support the child God allowed to be birthed,and the child needs to know you love them. They are an innocent victim.
My prodigal friend, if you will have no contact for six months, you will be over that other person and ready to love your spouse in a new way. This may mean finding a new way to work, or even finding new work, but it must be done.
To both stander and prodigal, if you are serious about getting over the other person, and not looking for loopholes, you each have two great allies. Foremostis the Holy Spirit of God. If you are praying and asking God’s help, He will make possible avenues that you and I cannot even imagine. Your second ally is time. The returned prodigal’s drumbeat can be, "With God’s help, in every way, and every day, I am getting better and better."
Speaking of loopholes, a non-covenant child must never become a loophole for spending time with the other person. We each know what activity brought about that birth, and so every prodigal with such a child must seek every alternative to avoid contact with that other person, for the sake of your marriage. Spend time with the child in your own home, with your family, not at the other person's home.
Let’s imagine I asked you to pick up an item from a person with a deadly infectious disease, a disease to which you were highly susceptible. Don’t you think you would be working with everything you have on an alternative means of delivery?
The person with which you had a child has the disease of adultery, a spiritual disease to which you have already proven to be susceptible. We have known grandparents who relay non-covenant children for visitation. Possibly your pastor could help or have suggestions on how weekend transfers could be made. Your spouse who prayed you home could even come to the point they could transfer the child for your visitation. As an added bonus, that praying spouse could be silently praying for the other person, eye to eye, when that precious child is picked up.
The spiritual war for your marriage is a winnable war. One of the largest weapons the enemy uses to keep things disrupted is that third person. You and your spouse can have victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.
So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall! No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it. 1 Corinthians 10:12-13
Because He lives,
Bob Steinkamp
Rejoice Marriage Ministries, Inc.
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me - put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. Philippians 4:8-9
We recently received a panic email that was not unlike the wording of many we receive. This person's spouse was on the way home, right then. They did not know what to do next. Charlyne and I share on this topic in books, in audio teachings and here in Charlyne Cares, but some people are so focused on their current problems they cannot prepare for restoration and are shocked when it happens. My goal today is to wake you up to one of the major stumbling blocks to the healthy restoration of a marriage relationship after God brings the prodigal home.
How does a returned prodigal get over the other person? You, as a person standing with God for His restoration of your home, can make or break the restoration process, depending on how you deal with the other person issue.
The heart of the discerning acquires knowledge; the ears of the wise seek it out. Proverbs 18:15
Let’s start with the facts. You may not like them, and you may not agree, but once you have walked the walk with your spouse, away from the other person, your "Amen" will come.
•
Getting over the other person takes time. Your spouse must go through a grief process, measured not in days or weeks but possibly one or two years. Yes, a grief process, just as if someone had died. Until you can allow your spouse to grieve the other relationship, you are not ready for restoration because, quite frankly, it will not work otherwise.
•
Regardless of what they say, most prodigal spouses, have another person. Please be prepared for the day when that is revealed to you about your prodigal.
•
Your prodigal cannot tell the difference between love and lust.
•
Most prodigal relationships become sexual at some point, regardless of what message is being passed back to home.
•
Your prodigal does have feelings for the other person. After they come home, they will sense a tremendous obligation to the other person.
•
The other person is there, even after your mate’s homecoming. After restoration, you cannot stuff that individual in a closet and expect them to evaporate.
•
The other person is a sinner for whom Jesus died. Are you praying for their salvation now? Will you, personally, continue to pray for their salvation after your prodigal spouse is home?
•
Your returned prodigal will bring home reminders of that other relationship. I have written about how long I had a photo of the other woman behind the visor in my van. One day God told me the photo had to go.
•
Your returned prodigal may attempt to justify their sin.
•
Eventually, your returned prodigal may need to talk to someone about the other person. It could be a counselor or pastor. It could be you, but it cannot be the other person! That is when trouble starts all over again.
Someone is thinking, “So why try?†Because God has called you to stand, both before and after restoration. Both periods are the identical spiritual battle, but if God has called you to it, He will provide the help from on high that you need.
Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen. 1 Peter 5:9-11
The chain of events in too many marriages where the spouse has come home is as follows:
1. God uses circumstances to drive (yes, drive) the prodigal home.
2. The stander adopts an “I have arrived†attitude and slacks off on praying protection on their returned spouse.
3. The front door of that home is then opened for Satan to come in once again.
4. The other person re-enters the picture.
5. The returned prodigal leaves for the far country once again, leaving the stander asking, “What happened?â€
What happened is that the enemy, always on the prowl, discovered an entry, be it ever so small, and being intent on destroying your marriage, has attacked once again.
We have been remarried for over 23 years after our divorce, and neither I nor Charlyne feel that we have arrived. God’s restoration is an ongoing process, even to this day. Neither of us feel we are immune from Satan’s attacks. I may be a lot wiser, but I am as susceptible to Satan’s attacks as I was on the day we remarried.
What does “susceptible to†mean? The dictionary gives the meaning as “capable of.†Do you get it? Since I am still capable of sin where another person is involved, Charlyne prays and fasts more today for me, for all our family and for all standers, than she was doing when we remarried.
So what is the bottom line for getting over the other person? For the stander, it is never stopping praying, putting the Armor of God on your returned spouse and on every family member. Today, tomorrow and forever. It will take time for your returned prodigal to get over that person. When I first returned, everything I saw, read and did reminded me of the other woman. Gradually, with Charlyne’s prayers and with time, those intense grief emotions began to subside.
For the prodigal, it means no contact with the person you are attempting to get over. If there is a non-covenant child involved, ask God to show you how to work out the no contact with the other person; you cannot visit where you used to live in sin, sitting around with the other person, under the guise of visiting your non-covenant child. If you do, you are dropping a lighted match into a gas can that will explode the marriage you are attempting to rebuild.
By all means, the prodigal is responsible for any non-covenant child born to another person. The prodigal is responsible emotionally, spiritually as well as financially. He or she must support the child God allowed to be birthed,and the child needs to know you love them. They are an innocent victim.
My prodigal friend, if you will have no contact for six months, you will be over that other person and ready to love your spouse in a new way. This may mean finding a new way to work, or even finding new work, but it must be done.
To both stander and prodigal, if you are serious about getting over the other person, and not looking for loopholes, you each have two great allies. Foremostis the Holy Spirit of God. If you are praying and asking God’s help, He will make possible avenues that you and I cannot even imagine. Your second ally is time. The returned prodigal’s drumbeat can be, "With God’s help, in every way, and every day, I am getting better and better."
Speaking of loopholes, a non-covenant child must never become a loophole for spending time with the other person. We each know what activity brought about that birth, and so every prodigal with such a child must seek every alternative to avoid contact with that other person, for the sake of your marriage. Spend time with the child in your own home, with your family, not at the other person's home.
Let’s imagine I asked you to pick up an item from a person with a deadly infectious disease, a disease to which you were highly susceptible. Don’t you think you would be working with everything you have on an alternative means of delivery?
The person with which you had a child has the disease of adultery, a spiritual disease to which you have already proven to be susceptible. We have known grandparents who relay non-covenant children for visitation. Possibly your pastor could help or have suggestions on how weekend transfers could be made. Your spouse who prayed you home could even come to the point they could transfer the child for your visitation. As an added bonus, that praying spouse could be silently praying for the other person, eye to eye, when that precious child is picked up.
The spiritual war for your marriage is a winnable war. One of the largest weapons the enemy uses to keep things disrupted is that third person. You and your spouse can have victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.
So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall! No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it. 1 Corinthians 10:12-13
Because He lives,
Bob Steinkamp
Rejoice Marriage Ministries, Inc.
