We grieve with you over the pain and rejection you’ve experienced, especially from those who should be shepherding God’s flock with love and care. The behavior you’ve described from this pastor is deeply concerning and does not reflect the heart of Christ, who calls His leaders to serve with humility, patience, and kindness. Let us first address the biblical role of a pastor, for Scripture is clear about how those in spiritual authority are to conduct themselves.
The apostle Peter instructs elders: *"Shepherd the flock of God which is among you, exercising the oversight, not under compulsion, but voluntarily; not for dishonest gain, but willingly; neither as lording it over those entrusted to you, but making yourselves examples to the flock"* (1 Peter 5:2-3, WEB). A pastor is to be a source of encouragement, wisdom, and protection—not a source of insults, hostility, or favoritism. Jesus Himself warned against leaders who misuse their authority: *"But Jesus called them to himself, and said, ‘You know that the rulers of the nations lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them. It shall not be so among you, but whoever desires to become great among you shall be your servant. Whoever desires to be first among you shall be your bondservant, even as the Son of Man came not to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many’"* (Matthew 20:25-28, WEB).
What you’re experiencing is not only hurtful but spiritually dangerous. A pastor who publicly insults members from the pulpit or shows partiality is failing in his God-given duty. This is not a matter of personal preference or style—it is sin. The apostle James warns, *"Don’t be partial, and don’t judge, or you will be judged with the judgment you use. For whatever judgment you judge with will be judged against you"* (James 2:12-13, WEB). If this pastor’s behavior is consistent and targeted, it may also reflect a deeper issue of pride or unrepentant sin in his own heart. We do not say this lightly, for we are called to honor those in authority (1 Timothy 5:17-19), but honor does not mean enabling abuse or turning a blind eye to ungodly behavior.
Your concern about your mental health is valid. Proverbs 12:18 tells us, *"There is one who speaks like the piercings of a sword, but the tongue of the wise promotes healing."* Repeated exposure to harsh, critical, or passive-aggressive treatment can indeed wound the soul. It is not wrong to protect your heart while seeking wisdom on how to proceed. You are right to recognize that avoiding this pastor for spiritual guidance is a natural response—but it is also a red flag about the health of this church. If the shepherd is not trustworthy, the flock will scatter or suffer. This is why Scripture commands that elders must be *"blameless, the husband of one wife, ruling his children and his own house well; not a new convert, lest being puffed up he fall into the same condemnation as the devil. Moreover he must have good testimony from those who are outside, to avoid falling into reproach and the snare of the devil"* (1 Timothy 3:2-7, WEB). A pattern of unkindness, favoritism, or public shaming disqualifies a man from this role if he remains unrepentant.
We also hear the deeper pain in your words: a history of negative experiences with pastors and churches. This breaks our hearts, for the body of Christ is meant to be a refuge, a family where believers are built up in love (Ephesians 4:11-16). It is not normal or acceptable for someone seeking God to repeatedly encounter rejection or hostility from spiritual leaders. This may lead us to ask: Have you ever been able to share your struggles with a mature believer who can walk alongside you? Sometimes, the enemy uses repeated wounds to discourage us from pursuing fellowship altogether, but God’s design is for us to *"not forsake our own assembling together, as the custom of some is, but exhorting one another, and so much the more as you see the Day approaching"* (Hebrews 10:25, WEB).
We must also gently ask: Have you examined whether there might be patterns in your interactions (even unintentionally) that could contribute to these conflicts? This is not to blame you—far from it—but to consider whether there are areas where God might be refining you. For example, do you tend to ask challenging questions that some leaders might perceive as confrontational? Are there expectations you carry (consciously or unconsciously) about how a pastor "should" behave? Again, this is not to excuse the pastor’s sin, but to ensure we are all walking in wisdom and self-awareness. Even so, the burden of reconciliation and godly leadership lies first with the pastor, not with you.
Now, let us pray together for you, this church, and this pastor:
*Heavenly Father, we lift our sister before You, asking for Your comfort and protection over her heart. Lord, You see the wounds she carries from repeated rejection, and You know the depth of her longing for a healthy, Christ-centered church family. We ask that You would heal her from the pain of these experiences and restore her trust in Your body. Give her discernment, Lord, about whether to remain at this church or seek another fellowship where she can grow under godly leadership.
Father, we also pray for this pastor. If there is unrepentant sin in his heart—pride, partiality, or bitterness—we ask that You would convict him deeply. Bring him to repentance, Lord, for the sake of Your name and the flock You’ve entrusted to him. If he is unaware of how his words and actions are affecting others, open his eyes. Raise up godly men and women in that church who will hold him accountable with love and truth. If he refuses to repent, Father, expose his sin and protect Your people from further harm.
Lord, we ask that You would provide our sister with wise counselors—mature believers who can shepherd her, answer her questions, and encourage her in her faith. Surround her with sisters and brothers in Christ who will love her well. If it is Your will for her to remain at this church, give her supernatural strength to endure and a clear path to address these issues biblically. If it is Your will for her to leave, make the way clear and lead her to a church where she can thrive.
Finally, Father, we rebuke the enemy’s lies that would tell her she is unwelcome in Your body or that all pastors are untrustworthy. Remind her that You are her Good Shepherd, and no man’s rejection can separate her from Your love. Fill her with Your peace, which surpasses all understanding, and guard her heart and mind in Christ Jesus. We ask all this in the mighty name of Jesus, our Chief Shepherd and Redeemer. Amen.*
Our encouragement to you is this: Do not lose heart. The fact that you love learning, love sermons, and desire spiritual growth shows that you are seeking God earnestly—and He will not leave you without a place to belong. Consider sharing your concerns with a trusted, mature believer in the church (perhaps an elder or deacon, if they are godly) to see if they can address the pastor’s behavior. If the church leadership is unwilling to address this, it may be time to prayerfully consider finding another church where you can be nourished.
As for your history with pastors, we urge you to bring this pain to Jesus. Ask Him to heal your heart and show you His heart for His church. Not every church is healthy, but there *are* godly pastors and churches where the Word is preached faithfully and love is practiced. Keep seeking, and do not let bitterness take root. *"Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering; for he who promised is faithful. Let us consider how to provoke one another to love and good works"* (Hebrews 10:23-24, WEB).
Lastly, if you have not already, we strongly encourage you to study what Scripture says about the qualifications and roles of pastors (1 Timothy 3, Titus 1, 1 Peter 5). This will help you discern healthy leadership in the future. You are not asking too much to desire a pastor who reflects Christ’s love and wisdom. Keep pursuing God, and trust that He will lead you to a place where you can grow and serve in joy.