I have tried eight times since December 17th to kill myself. I was involved with a man for five years. We were everything to each other. He was my co-worker, my best friend, my mentor, my love. He brought me closer to God than I had ever been. All my life people have said how different I am; that I give too much of myself as a friend. I have never fit in anywhere or with anyone. I am a very complex woman and I have a lot of layers to me. Aristotle said that friendship is the highest form of relating and spoke of virtuous friendships. I will give everything to a friend, even if it makes my situation worse. I am so misunderstood and people don't seem to understand my type of friendship and hurt me by walking away. I even wanted to change careers, become a pastor and start a friendship counseling center where I would teach the values of how to be a virtuous friend. Well, when this man and I fell in love I gave him everything of myself because The Lord asked me to. This man told me that without me he would have been dead. I would do anything for this man, I would die for him. I lost friends because of him; I threw away most of my belongings and even gave up my home for him because God asked me to. I have been living in my truck for the last two and a half years. He promised me that he would protect me; that he would always be there for me and that we would get through everything together. For the first time ever, I felt understood and accepted by another person. Well, he just walked away one day and broke all of his promises. I guess what bothers me the most is that he's the only one who knows the whole truth about what I'm going to do and he won't help me. Jesus tells us to lay down our lives for our friends. I believe that if you love someone you sacrifice yourself for them, so that is what I'm doing. I remember reading Romeo and Juliet when I was younger and somehow I had a feeling that would be me someday. People who know me say I am the most romantic person they've ever met. There is a lot more I could say, but this is who I am and I give my life for my best friend. I cannot live without him. But, I don't want to die. I need God to not just give me signs He wants me to live, but give me what I need to live. I had everything planned out to the letter in December; no one knew; I was at peace. It's only been since being forced to stay here that the pain is just beyond belief. I'm in so much pain that I constantly have chest pain and cannot stop crying. I haven't been able to work since December and I have $500.00 left to my name. I am very lonely and have no one. I just want the pain to stop and I want peace. Please Jesus, help me. Let me serve you. Save me, please Lord. Open my friend's heart to me. Please bring my best friend back to me before it's too late.
Edited by Anatosa, April 30, 2011 - 6:02 PM.