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A Lighter Shade of Blue--Entry 1--How Did I Get Here To This Situation



I met my husband through a mutual support group for people who have a physical difficulty. I guess misery does love company. But those of us who have a physical difficult of one kind or another can be supportive and encouraging to those that suffer.


I have a crushed lower disk. I control the pain with (of all things) exercise. Exercise lubricates the joints. It opens the mind to more pleasant things to think about as well. 


My husband has had 3 back surgeries, one surgery to fix a broken leg (he almost lost the leg). So he has rehabilitated himself several times, in a manner of speaking. He was an EMT / medevac pilot. On what would be his last day of work (but he didn't know it), he answered an EMT call, not knowing that the call he was going on, there was someone on a second floor apartment dwelling that needed to be treated, or so he though. He knocked on the door, greeted by someone who was high on Methamphetimenes. The man who answered the door had grabbed the officer's gun. When my husband greeted the man to ask what the problem was, the man pulled the gun and shot my husband in the abdomen. My husband fell two stories to the ground, shattering his leg and bleeding from the gunshot. When he woke up, his life was never the same. He had many months, which turned into almost 2 years of surgery on the leg and learning how to walk again, as well as his first back surgery to contend with. There would be even more rehabilitation as he went through two more back surgeries.


On his good days, there might not be any verbal abuse, or I might only have 2 or 3 bad things that were said to me--name calling, accusations, and the like. Oh a bad day, he says things like, "You think you are so smart. But I know you are a phony." "You can pray to anyone you like, but it is a waste of time." "I don't believe in organized religion, they're all a bunch of hypocrites."  "You can't write--you're too verbose." "Nobody likes you, that's why they don't call anymore." "You are ------- intellectual, you and your degrees." "You are a little ---------. So selfish, selfish, selfish." "I don't know why you waste so much time writing things in a notebook. Who tells you to do this stuff--it's  like a cult!" (referring to me as I continue to do my Bible study any way I can).  I can't even tell you more because the names and accusations are so vile, it doesn't make me feel good to type them out, and they aren't appropriate on here.


As to what he says about Christians? I've met some ugly Christians. The Bible says that "None of us are good." I also know I cannot live very well without some company by Christians. His behavior has become so disruptive, it's destroyed various parts of my life. I no longer write for a newspaper. (Remember, he says I can't write--too verbose---wordy). No one calls me on the phone anymore. That's true. Because he says ugly thinks in the background where they can ad have heard him, and they do not understand that he something is wrong, that he is ill. My friends have gotten offended and they have stopped calling me. Now I have had not friends for about two years time, possibly more. I stopped going to church because he would cause a commotion. (I have had one stroke already). I do a lot or give up a lot in order to avoid confrontations with him.


I have struggled with leaving, sadly, mainly because I have no place to go to, and I am unable to work. There are many women like me out there who have to stay where they are in life because the options are extremely unpleasant for them. And that is actually an understatement.  But rather than totally breakdown, I come here to write and pray for others. He laughs at me typing prayers on the screen for other people. But it is soothing to me to think of someone else besides myself.


Often I ask prayers for him on here: dealing with his chronic pain (he can't take pain meds), so he drinks (and that's another difficulty that changes his personality. Alcohol dulls his chronic pain.


I have been with him now for 8 years. Ending this entry on a higher note. I am a Christian since age 9. And yes, I understood what I was doing when I asked to be saved and was baptized. I have seen extreme evidence in my life of Christ and His Father. My grandparents who raised me were Christians and my relationship with the Lord was always pretty strong. Christ lives in me and I know I can make it through another day. Thank you for reading.


This blog will become much lighter and cheerful. Not all days are bad for me or him, so hang in here with me.

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