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A Lighter Shade of Blue--Entry 1--How Did I Get Here To This Situation



I met my husband through a mutual support group for people who have a physical difficulty. I guess misery does love company. But those of us who have a physical difficult of one kind or another can be supportive and encouraging to those that suffer.


I have a crushed lower disk. I control the pain with (of all things) exercise. Exercise lubricates the joints. It opens the mind to more pleasant things to think about as well. 


My husband has had 3 back surgeries, one surgery to fix a broken leg (he almost lost the leg). So he has rehabilitated himself several times, in a manner of speaking. He was an EMT / medevac pilot. On what would be his last day of work (but he didn't know it), he answered an EMT call, not knowing that the call he was going on, there was someone on a second floor apartment dwelling that needed to be treated, or so he though. He knocked on the door, greeted by someone who was high on Methamphetimenes. The man who answered the door had grabbed the officer's gun. When my husband greeted the man to ask what the problem was, the man pulled the gun and shot my husband in the abdomen. My husband fell two stories to the ground, shattering his leg and bleeding from the gunshot. When he woke up, his life was never the same. He had many months, which turned into almost 2 years of surgery on the leg and learning how to walk again, as well as his first back surgery to contend with. There would be even more rehabilitation as he went through two more back surgeries.


On his good days, there might not be any verbal abuse, or I might only have 2 or 3 bad things that were said to me--name calling, accusations, and the like. Oh a bad day, he says things like, "You think you are so smart. But I know you are a phony." "You can pray to anyone you like, but it is a waste of time." "I don't believe in organized religion, they're all a bunch of hypocrites."  "You can't write--you're too verbose." "Nobody likes you, that's why they don't call anymore." "You are ------- intellectual, you and your degrees." "You are a little ---------. So selfish, selfish, selfish." "I don't know why you waste so much time writing things in a notebook. Who tells you to do this stuff--it's  like a cult!" (referring to me as I continue to do my Bible study any way I can).  I can't even tell you more because the names and accusations are so vile, it doesn't make me feel good to type them out, and they aren't appropriate on here.


As to what he says about Christians? I've met some ugly Christians. The Bible says that "None of us are good." I also know I cannot live very well without some company by Christians. His behavior has become so disruptive, it's destroyed various parts of my life. I no longer write for a newspaper. (Remember, he says I can't write--too verbose---wordy). No one calls me on the phone anymore. That's true. Because he says ugly thinks in the background where they can ad have heard him, and they do not understand that he something is wrong, that he is ill. My friends have gotten offended and they have stopped calling me. Now I have had not friends for about two years time, possibly more. I stopped going to church because he would cause a commotion. (I have had one stroke already). I do a lot or give up a lot in order to avoid confrontations with him.


I have struggled with leaving, sadly, mainly because I have no place to go to, and I am unable to work. There are many women like me out there who have to stay where they are in life because the options are extremely unpleasant for them. And that is actually an understatement.  But rather than totally breakdown, I come here to write and pray for others. He laughs at me typing prayers on the screen for other people. But it is soothing to me to think of someone else besides myself.


Often I ask prayers for him on here: dealing with his chronic pain (he can't take pain meds), so he drinks (and that's another difficulty that changes his personality. Alcohol dulls his chronic pain.


I have been with him now for 8 years. Ending this entry on a higher note. I am a Christian since age 9. And yes, I understood what I was doing when I asked to be saved and was baptized. I have seen extreme evidence in my life of Christ and His Father. My grandparents who raised me were Christians and my relationship with the Lord was always pretty strong. Christ lives in me and I know I can make it through another day. Thank you for reading.


This blog will become much lighter and cheerful. Not all days are bad for me or him, so hang in here with me.


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  1. From Blog Writer: You'll notice spelling mistakes. It's late at night, and this was not a good day today. God I know you can deal with this situation. Alone I can do nothing. But you, you know what is inside this man, goading him to attempt to destroy the only person who actually understands that he lives with pain that is nearly unbearable. Guide me Father, by my words and the way I tell of each day, to somehow be able to help someone else. So I am still here Lord. Taking care of him, trying to give him nearly the same kind of love that you give me, and it's just hard Lord. For I am not you; I'm only human. Help me to be strong and wise in you Father. Thank you for this day. I got through it with your help.


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Jesus said His people could have what they say, but instead, they say what they have. 

Matthew 17:20
He replied, "Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.

Speak to the problem, it is speaking to you already.

Jesus never said to "pray for the sick". Jesus said to heal the sick.

Matthew 10:8Living Bible (TLB)
8 Heal the sick, raise the dead, cure the lepers, and cast out demons. Give as freely as you have received!

John 14:12-14Living Bible (TLB)

12-13 “In solemn truth I tell you, anyone believing in me shall do(this could be a command?) the same miracles I have done, and even greater ones, because I am going to be with the Father. 

Mark 16:17-18King James Version (KJV)

17 And these signs shall follow them that believe; In my name shall they cast out devils; they shall speak with new tongues;

18 They shall take up serpents; and if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt them; they shall (this could be a command?) lay hands on the sick, and they shall recover.

Speak to your problem. Like this prayer;

In the name of Jesus,I command the sickness in my body to leave my body, now.  I am now healthy, well, healed, and whole.  Thank you Jesus.

Here is a good teaching on how God wants you well, and how to get it.


In the name of Jesus, be blessed, healthy, well, healed, and whole







The best way to change your circumstances around you and to have the people around you do some changing is found in this verse of the Bible, the Word.


Proverbs 4:20-23 (ASV) 
20  My son, attend to my words; Incline thine ear unto my sayings.
21  Let them not depart from thine eyes; Keep them in the midst of thy heart.
22  For they are life unto those that find them, And health to all their flesh.
23  Keep thy heart with all diligence; For out of it are the issues of life.


You, your flesh, your family will all be affected if "you" will make Jesus and God your main focus in life. Read the Word daily, especially the New Testament. Read it, memorize passages, speak passages aloud, mediate on the Words you have read. Sing praise songs, worship the Lord, And love others around you.  Love them like Jesus does and says to do. When you do these things the people around you, your family, shall change. Keep your focus on Jesus, the Father, and the Holy Spirit. 


In the name of Jesus, I bless you with the life of God.

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