A LIGHTER SHADE OF BLUE

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About this blog

A "Lighter Shade of Blue" is a blog about someone who lives with depression as she goes through difficulties caring for her chronically ill husband. Through his contant anger, resentment, blame, and verbal abuse, she reveals what it is like to be a Christian as you keep a vow, "through sickness and in health," a vow which is being broken constantly even in the Christian world as Christian wives and husbands decide not to stay with their spouses who are very ill in health. Those who reply, you might be the person to touch my heart today with a much needed encouraging sentence or brief prayer. The prayers I receive on here are causing healthy changes in my life daily. I am bearing up well. Thank you for your prayers and reading this blog.

Entries in this blog

GoldenRetriever

I was playing a game with in a small Bible group that met at a friend's home. A question came to me (when it was my turn to answer), What is on your throne? This person posed this question to me. It threw me for a loop because the rules of this game were that I must share the first things that came into my mind in utter honesty. Wow! Think about that for a moment.

 

At that time I answered (with my face turning red): My new computer, the things I bought when I shopped, the companionship of my dogs (my cats don't necessarily need me or pay attention to me unless I forget to give them their dry food). And I added other strange things like: office supplies, printer ink, exercise outdoors, and a group of troll dolls I stumbled across in a store for very cheap. I collect troll dolls. To me, it was such a variety of earthly and/or simple things, I was embarrassed to share it, but I did. And I discovered something about myself.

 

I discovered that parts of me are very small and shallow and I have a lot of room yet to grow in my walk with the Lord. The other part of my share about the things that are "on my throne" were signs that I was growing, yet still reverting back to being self-centered at times.

 

My prayer time then changed after that little game. I began to pray that God would guide me to volunteer in a ministry. It didn't have to be an important position. I just wanted to be useful and helpful to whatever group of people that I was sent to. I prayed that God would help me reach out more in my community to help people in pain or those that have experienced loss rather than sit safely in my little "office" typing on a backlit screen about wanting to help people. Take my words off the screen Lord, let me find people who need my help so I can use what little talents I have to improve lives.

 

Yesterday I wrote about how life seemed to have passed me by because I could never make up my mind what I wanted to be or do. Not making a choice is a type of choice too. A rather sad choice, actually, to end up doing nothing much because I was afraid. I was afraid of failing, of being turned down (because I had been turned down so many times). Or sadly, I didn't know where to start. How does a person find their calling? But I'm veering away from my topic about "What's On Your Throne"?

 

Here is my throne wish list for what I wish could be on my throne some point in time as I continue to grow as a Christian: a) God: more time with Him, even if it is just more minutes throughout my day. b) More prayer for other people in my family, prayer for those who have hurt me, prayer for people who never seemed to like me, prayer for those in the world who are without things I take for granted: water, basic food, transportation, basic medical care, communication, education, and on and on I could go, but I won't. c) making an effort to make new friends who are like-minded

 

I'm sure my throne list will grow. How about you? What's on "your throne"?

 

 

75_No_Hope_In_Time.mp3

GoldenRetriever

I have never prayed God's will over my life decisions before. I thought He wasn't concerned about very simple human things, decisions I should be able to make myself. I am now asking Him to help me find some volunteer work, training, or direction He wants my life to go.

 

Some claim that a life not in use is a life wasted. Because I could never make up my mind, I did only what came my way. When I was younger, everything seemed so difficult or too confusing. I feel like life has passed me by and I have failed. But God took many men who were simple or failures in the eyes of society and used them to do good things. I only want to be useful or encouraging to other people.

 

I come here to pray for others, very seldom for myself, although I too need prayer.

 

To end on a higher note. I chose a verse from Touchpoints: God Answers Your Daily Needs.

1 Peter 3:8

Finally all of you should be of one mind, full of sympathy toward one another, loving one another

with tender hearts and humble minds.

 

When I come on here, I truly am able to live out this Bible verse. I pray for those in need. During

my busy day, the ups and downs of a worn out caregiver, this may be the only time out I take

to talk to God. It always makes me feel better and more grateful for what I have thinking of others.

I suppose I am able to love fellow believers on here though I don't know them. I felt some of the

pain that each and everyone of you is going through. My mind, set on others, almost instantly

goes into "humble mode." I am no better than anyone else even though the needs may be greater

or less than whomever I am praying for. In taking time to pray for others, I am reaching out for God

during that time. Now that is a Holy thing, in a way.

 

 

pandacat2.jpg

GoldenRetriever

I met my husband through a mutual support group for people who have a physical difficulty. I guess misery does love company. But those of us who have a physical difficult of one kind or another can be supportive and encouraging to those that suffer.

 

I have a crushed lower disk. I control the pain with (of all things) exercise. Exercise lubricates the joints. It opens the mind to more pleasant things to think about as well. 

 

My husband has had 3 back surgeries, one surgery to fix a broken leg (he almost lost the leg). So he has rehabilitated himself several times, in a manner of speaking. He was an EMT / medevac pilot. On what would be his last day of work (but he didn't know it), he answered an EMT call, not knowing that the call he was going on, there was someone on a second floor apartment dwelling that needed to be treated, or so he though. He knocked on the door, greeted by someone who was high on Methamphetimenes. The man who answered the door had grabbed the officer's gun. When my husband greeted the man to ask what the problem was, the man pulled the gun and shot my husband in the abdomen. My husband fell two stories to the ground, shattering his leg and bleeding from the gunshot. When he woke up, his life was never the same. He had many months, which turned into almost 2 years of surgery on the leg and learning how to walk again, as well as his first back surgery to contend with. There would be even more rehabilitation as he went through two more back surgeries.

 

On his good days, there might not be any verbal abuse, or I might only have 2 or 3 bad things that were said to me--name calling, accusations, and the like. Oh a bad day, he says things like, "You think you are so smart. But I know you are a phony." "You can pray to anyone you like, but it is a waste of time." "I don't believe in organized religion, they're all a bunch of hypocrites."  "You can't write--you're too verbose." "Nobody likes you, that's why they don't call anymore." "You are ------- intellectual, you and your degrees." "You are a little ---------. So selfish, selfish, selfish." "I don't know why you waste so much time writing things in a notebook. Who tells you to do this stuff--it's  like a cult!" (referring to me as I continue to do my Bible study any way I can).  I can't even tell you more because the names and accusations are so vile, it doesn't make me feel good to type them out, and they aren't appropriate on here.

 

As to what he says about Christians? I've met some ugly Christians. The Bible says that "None of us are good." I also know I cannot live very well without some company by Christians. His behavior has become so disruptive, it's destroyed various parts of my life. I no longer write for a newspaper. (Remember, he says I can't write--too verbose---wordy). No one calls me on the phone anymore. That's true. Because he says ugly thinks in the background where they can ad have heard him, and they do not understand that he something is wrong, that he is ill. My friends have gotten offended and they have stopped calling me. Now I have had not friends for about two years time, possibly more. I stopped going to church because he would cause a commotion. (I have had one stroke already). I do a lot or give up a lot in order to avoid confrontations with him.

 

I have struggled with leaving, sadly, mainly because I have no place to go to, and I am unable to work. There are many women like me out there who have to stay where they are in life because the options are extremely unpleasant for them. And that is actually an understatement.  But rather than totally breakdown, I come here to write and pray for others. He laughs at me typing prayers on the screen for other people. But it is soothing to me to think of someone else besides myself.

 

Often I ask prayers for him on here: dealing with his chronic pain (he can't take pain meds), so he drinks (and that's another difficulty that changes his personality. Alcohol dulls his chronic pain.

 

I have been with him now for 8 years. Ending this entry on a higher note. I am a Christian since age 9. And yes, I understood what I was doing when I asked to be saved and was baptized. I have seen extreme evidence in my life of Christ and His Father. My grandparents who raised me were Christians and my relationship with the Lord was always pretty strong. Christ lives in me and I know I can make it through another day. Thank you for reading.

 

This blog will become much lighter and cheerful. Not all days are bad for me or him, so hang in here with me.

GoldenRetriever

I met my husband through a mutual support group for people who have a physical difficulty. I guess misery does love company. But those of us who have a physical difficult of one kind or another can be supportive and encouraging to those that suffer.

 

I have a crushed lower disk. I control the pain with (of all things) exercise. Exercise lubricates the joints. It opens the mind to more pleasant things to think about as well. 

 

My husband has had 3 back surgeries, one surgery to fix a broken leg (he almost lost the leg). So he has rehabilitated himself several times, in a manner of speaking. He was an EMT / medevac pilot. On what would be his last day of work (but he didn't know it), he answered an EMT call, not knowing that the call he was going on, there was someone on a second floor apartment dwelling that needed to be treated, or so he though. He knocked on the door, greeted by someone who was high on Methamphetimenes. The man who answered the door had grabbed the officer's gun. When my husband greeted the man to ask what the problem was, the man pulled the gun and shot my husband in the abdomen. My husband fell two stories to the ground, shattering his leg and bleeding from the gunshot. When he woke up, his life was never the same. He had many months, which turned into almost 2 years of surgery on the leg and learning how to walk again, as well as his first back surgery to contend with. There would be even more rehabilitation as he went through two more back surgeries.

 

On his good days, there might not be any verbal abuse, or I might only have 2 or 3 bad things that were said to me--name calling, accusations, and the like. Oh a bad day, he says things like, "You think you are so smart. But I know you are a phony." "You can pray to anyone you like, but it is a waste of time." "I don't believe in organized religion, they're all a bunch of hypocrites."  "You can't write--you're too verbose." "Nobody likes you, that's why they don't call anymore." "You are ------- intellectual, you and your degrees." "You are a little ---------. So selfish, selfish, selfish." "I don't know why you waste so much time writing things in a notebook. Who tells you to do this stuff--it's  like a cult!" (referring to me as I continue to do my Bible study any way I can).  I can't even tell you more because the names and accusations are so vile, it doesn't make me feel good to type them out, and they aren't appropriate on here.

 

As to what he says about Christians? I've met some ugly Christians. The Bible says that "None of us are good." I also know I cannot live very well without some company by Christians. His behavior has become so disruptive, it's destroyed various parts of my life. I no longer write for a newspaper. (Remember, he says I can't write--too verbose---wordy). No one calls me on the phone anymore. That's true. Because he says ugly thinks in the background where they can ad have heard him, and they do not understand that he something is wrong, that he is ill. My friends have gotten offended and they have stopped calling me. Now I have had not friends for about two years time, possibly more. I stopped going to church because he would cause a commotion. (I have had one stroke already). I do a lot or give up a lot in order to avoid confrontations with him.

 

I have struggled with leaving, sadly, mainly because I have no place to go to, and I am unable to work. There are many women like me out there who have to stay where they are in life because the options are extremely unpleasant for them. And that is actually an understatement.  But rather than totally breakdown, I come here to write and pray for others. He laughs at me typing prayers on the screen for other people. But it is soothing to me to think of someone else besides myself.

 

Often I ask prayers for him on here: dealing with his chronic pain (he can't take pain meds), so he drinks (and that's another difficulty that changes his personality. Alcohol dulls his chronic pain.

 

I have been with him now for 8 years. Ending this entry on a higher note. I am a Christian since age 9. And yes, I understood what I was doing when I asked to be saved and was baptized. I have seen extreme evidence in my life of Christ and His Father. My grandparents who raised me were Christians and my relationship with the Lord was always pretty strong. Christ lives in me and I know I can make it through another day. Thank you for reading.

 

This blog will become much lighter and cheerful. Not all days are bad for me or him, so hang in here with me.

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